the day i first met him i turned to stone.
my eyes seemed to fog over when he passed by me and my
normally nonstop lips fused together.
he seemed to fit so perfectly to me
like a lego in my lap but
even when he kissed my forehead i wouldnt let mysef think that
a boy of such outstading perfection
could ever wat anything to do with me.
i still remember how my figers felt running through his blood red hair
down to the black roots
i remember his voice and
the warm feeling that would ufreese my chest when i heard him say my name
and remember always being able to know if he was sleeping because
of the way his breath became rythmic
and his heart beat slowed
and i remember exactly how he tightened his grip on the skin of my bare back
when he said he loved me.
he always said he didt want to hurt me.
to, "take away my innocece."
i remember how the colf tears froze my flushed cheeks
when he told me he hoped we could still be friends.
i remember feeling like all my organs had tured to dust d i was a hollow shell
about to float away with the december wind
i remember when i wrapped my arms aroud his shoulders and told him sobbig, begging because
i didt want to be with anybody
touch anybody else but him and i remember
the strong, dank as fuck smell of maarajuana on his breath.
when he sorry but
i didnt want to hear that he was sorry
i wanted him to magically chage his mind
to somehow get back into whatever hypnnosis he was in in the very beging when he noticed me
i wanted him to understand because
i dont think he does.
i dont think he understands how much it took for me to just give myself up like that
i dont think he could fathom the amout of self controll i had to obstain
in order to keep me from having an anxiety attack any time he touched me
but most of all
i dont think he understads that that didnt matter to me
the shaking and the constad bomparding thoughts bruising my brain ad the crying in the dark where he couldt see
the comstant taste of penies in my mouth from me biting holes in my lips
meant shit to me
because all i wanted
all i ever wanted was for him to be happy and in that moment
if that meat that i had to risk my sanity for his
silence or his
comfort or his
then god damn it i would risk it.
and i dont think he cared.