She was only five years old
She was only five years old when she was told
that she'd have to replace toys with fear
Fear of boys fear of men 
Fear of every single one of them
Not by her mother, not by her father, cousin or grandmother
But by the man himself who struck fear in her heart
As she felt his finger stabbing into her skin
Like sharp knives carving 
Her five year old body and for 11 years, 
the ones who knew were her, the heavens, and nobody. 

She was only 13 years old 
She was only 13 years old when she first grabbed five bottles 
of medicated pills from her kitchen cabinet and said, 
"I want to kill myself", 
because if people are worth living,
then why aren't they worth dying? 
And she was only 13 years old when her definition of life was
pleasing others. 
Because if you can't please them, 
then who pleases you? 
And going against one, 
really only means going against two. 

She was 14 years old, 
She was only 14 years old when she thought she fell in love.
A kid who needed a kid. 
He was there for her, and she was there for him. 
It was a mutual trade. 
But sooner or later illusion starts to fade 
as reality sets in,
and in the end 
nobody wins 
Because instead of feeling found, you begin to feel lost
and slowly the other person begins to steal your parts 
Like a parasite that won't stop until you're weak 
and there's no way for you to retreat
"Why is he texting you?"
"Who is texting you?"
"Do you not love me?" 
"Delete them." 
"BLOCK THEM!" 
"I'm the only one that you need." 
"DO YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE ELSE IS GOING TO LOVE YOU LIKE ME?"
"STOP!" She screams. 
 

Stop 
Stop time and rewind. 
Stop time and rewind, look back and view 
the moments in her mind 
that created the deepest wounds 
And let it reflect on who she is today
despite whatever she wants to erase
Because erasing what made her 
Would only truly break her 
Because of the sticks and stones that broke her bones, 
she was able to rearrange the parts alone. 
alone. 

She was 16 years old
When she realized that being alone
doesn't mean you're lonely. 
That there is a greater strength within,
than with them...
That being alone isn't a sign of absence, 
but a sign of endurance. 

That love within oneself doesn't mean you close your doors to others, 
but it opens them wide enough for those who are meant to go through them. 
Because loneliness shouldn't just be another excuse, like the drugs, the past, your friends, family, society.
Excuses. 
Excuses used to prevent yourself from being found. 

So she became friends with loneliness
and dug deeper than the wounds
finding the truth.  
That everything happens for a reason.
That your mistakes don't define who you are, 
but what you do afterward does. 
That creating beauty of off 
chaos is what life is about.
And she is I, 
and I am 17 now, no longer 5.