The Gift (Dear Model Minority Stereotype)

Sun, 07/27/2014 - 05:24 -- Lezlee

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Dear Model Minority Stereotype,

Why must I abuse my health
continuously, clawing, gnawing, eroding my
sanity away from me,
draining 4 hours of sleep from myself

to provide my future self a career and
highly functional mental health
if I can't practice self-love
to make good decisions
through the basis of my life; self-care?

chronic insomnia
self-deprivation
anxiety for the future pushed past
managable boundaries.

Why must I abuse my health
continuously, clawing, gnawing, eroding my
sanity away from me,
draining 5 hours of sleep from myself

to perfect my understanding of derivatives,
integrals, and subsitution principals
when these concepts can't teach me how to
integrate healthy life style subsitutions
that will pay off the sleep debt collected in my
eye bags and raised veins on top of my hands
bursting with fatigue?

Why must I abuse my health
continuously, clawing, gnawing, eroding my
sanity away from me,
draining 6 hours of sleep from myself

Protesting in exhaustion
when all I have energy for
is a murmur for my own self-care and a uncut, exponentially growing speech
that stuffs my grades and resume full
like over-fed regal rulers,
such as my desires, my ability to make judgements,
my mind and high aspirations,
that have no intention to share their resources and necessities to
their malnourished, burnt-out people - my own organs and bones and cells.
Treating humans being --treating myself - like mechanical

means to an end to further my academic success--
until the gears split and eject
from the pressures of the insatiable want and thirst 
to excel at a handling mountain of term papers and debates.

Solving abstract, theoretical problems in three minutes, but
pushing the solutions of my own personal issues to
the peripheries of my eyes, ears, and reach for the next four years.
Why must I abuse my health
continuously, clawing, gnawing, eroding my
sanity away from me,
draining 7 hours of sleep from myself

self-deprivation
taking away, numbing my sensations
a mental plague that corrodes my frontal cortex's own self-consultation
the inflammation and boils of suicide ideation
experiencing my body go through biological decomposition and liquidation
Yet simultaneously praying for spiritual liberation.
All at the same time while supporting the benefits of being an insomiac for one more night
through using the willpower to getting an ideal grade as vindication.

Why must I abuse my health
continuously, clawing, gnawing, eroding my
sanity away from me,
draining 8 hours of sleep from myself

"Why did it start, and when does it end?"
I ask myself each and every day.
Did it begin with me writing your name on every surface
of my skin?
My face
the lenses of my glasses?

Now, if
I am seen as a part of you,
I would tell everyone around me
please don't not follow my life choices before this point,
because
I believe that no one deserves to suffer from
the consecutive sleepless nights, the tension sitting on
and crackling their bones,
the agony of waiting for the stress
to snap their my body in two, limb to limb.


because
the large gap between two cliffs --my ideal performance
and the actual quality of my work-- exists as well
because


I experience
anguish from not building a bridge good enough
to connect the two cliffs together


because
the gap continues to expand
at a rate my eyes cannot grasp.

And what I don't want for others
to to go through
can be a gift to myself as well.

A gift that

sets limits to the monstrous
condition that I unleashed upon myself.

stops my maladaptive patterns from gnawing
and swallowing my happiness.

A gift that

washes the stains of your name from my skin.

A gift that

releseases me from the ceasless tension
so I can breathe in full glups and run across
lands without boundaries in my bare feet
and see another horizon, a golden sun blended
against a sunset of reds and purples,
once I reach a horizon reflecting in my eyes.

This is the gift to myself and to others,
because I believe that I'm not a mechanism
designed to fullfill
an unrealistic, unexamined stereotype that
I can use to twist and to rip apart my own nature
and self-care.
The gift is the acceptance that I am a human
being.


who actively participates in
an environment
drained of toxicity
that I choose to embrace and to let embrace me.

who lives through the traits, beliefs, and personal values that I

have identified with and created.
to share as gifts to the rest of the world,
tied with honesty and wrapped in my own
paper -- with MY own story written all over it.

Therefore, Model Minority Stereotype,
I am not going to let you
steal my happiness and individuality

anymore. 

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