The Girl Who Changed My World.

(For the sake of privacy purposes all names have been changed)
"Every single detail in this story is true and happened in a way that makes me who I am now"

The story begins in my younger years of my life. It was the night before my 6th grade year. My best friend Tyler was staying the night at my house. We sat up all night talking about our future. I didnt sleep that night. Once Tyler fell asleep I let my mind wander in the dark. I was only a little kid. But ever since I saw some of those movies about romance and Love I always wanted to experience it. I wanted to find someone who I would love someday. I was 11 years old I was a big kid I could start getting with the girls right? Wrong. Unfortunately for me I was never a "Ladies man". I would claim I could get whatever girl I want but didnt. It was a funny thing to me. I spent the next two years getting crush after crush on girls I thought were attractive. Each of them would find out at some point because I always thought that putting notes in lockers was romantic. But I learned rather quickly that was not the case. Beyond that I eventually got to my 8th grade year. Tyler and I were walking around the school. It was lunch time and we always dicked around before heading out. Our school was U shaped. We were walking around the corner on the far left side from the front. I noticed a new girl, a girl that I had never seen before. My crushes were a common thing dont get me wrong. But this time it felt different. She just seemed different then the others. After a few weeks I found out we had mutual friends. So in turn I sat down with my friends. Tyler, Dirk, and Steven are the most notable. The rest eventually faded out of my life. As if they werent ever relevant. So the four of us began to hangout with the girl and her friends. The girls name was May. Her friends were Jolene, Mary, and Sarah. Once again the rest arent worth mentioning as they eventually dissapeared. So began the interesting 8th grade year. The group became semi close after a couple weeks. It was weird at first because us guys randomly started hanging out with the girls. Something I never told May was that happened solely because I convinced the guys to be my wingmen and started to hangout with people they didnt even like just to help me. Also to clarify, They liked May and Tyler had a crush on Jolene. Otherwise the guys didnt like the girls. I began to get to know May a little bit. Well not very much at least. After some time I gave up the chase for May. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I just ended up not talking to her again. Maybe I wouldve saw her like everyone else did. But thats not the case. In my reality I told Steven that I wasnt going to try to go out with her anymore. In turn Steven asked me if it was okay for him to ask May to a dance. I told him it was fine. Yet that dance wasnt a good experience. I was there. Steven never really even got to see May. These girls who were extremely annoying and selfish ended up pouring water all over May. In turn she got upset and left. Steven came by and asked what happened. I told him and he really didnt seem to care. To this day I wonder how he really felt about that. But he went right ahead and enjoyed himself without her anyway. For the rest of the year I ended up focused on another girl whom of which would leave a small mark on my mindset the rest of my life. Mostly about people being two faced. Back then I didnt think much of May. I knew that I thought she was beautiful. I also knew I liked being around her. At the end of the year she signed my yearbook. I look at it all the time and think back to when things were easy. "Have a nice summer, your a great friend!!" -May
As if I quoted it spelling and all, thats what it said. As well as the fact that as I write this im looking at that yearbook. We were young. So different from what we are now. Out of High School. We really dont know what's about to hit us. Anyway moving on. I didnt really talk to her during the summer. I know she gave me a phone number. Im pretty sure I decided to call it one day. I was playing Minecraft. I was building a dirt hut. I remember every detail of the call. Not like it was interesting. It was the typical how is summer going and talking about how we were excited about high school. Then the call ended. I honestly didn't even think about her all that much the rest of the summer. I was distracted by a lot. I wasnt really given the opportunity to think about anyone really. I spent a lot of that summer with Tyler. I had known him for many years. He was my best friend. Along with that statement WAS is an important detail to this story. Freshman year of high school came around. I hadnt seen May around all day with the exception of lunch. I wasnt even thinking about her to be completely honest. But I got to my final class of the day. It was Pre-Algebra. I had taken it again because I didnt care much for grades in Middle School. I sat in the front of the class getting used to my surroundings. I was focused on what High School was going to be like. I turned and looked at the door. I was focused on a bunch of things at once. That is until May walked in. It surprised me. If you have ever had your heart start beating out of your chest then you know what I felt that day. She walked in and sat right next to me smiling. That smile would become something I looked forward to every day. But not for some time. I remember the little conversations we had in that class. I remember sneaking around our teacher when it came to talking while we were doing our work. Sometimes it would get out of control and the teacher would get upset. But it was worth it. We in time bonded through Math. Its weird, because May and I both hated the subject. Another fun fact about Math with her is, we could never agree on an answer for the problems we were working on. She was confused about how to do the work. I would always help her because I understood it. I would show her how to do the work yet every single time we disagreed on an answer she would get it right. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It didnt make sense. Because my work would make sense and it would always be wrong. Beyond that. We somehow bonded through Math. She constantly gave me crap because she was right. It was honestly some of the best times I had. After a few weeks May asked me if I would like to walk her home. So I did. Whenever the weather was nice it seemed that I would walk her home. Its something I remember vastly about Freshman year. Consider it a part of the highlight reel. We became close. I looked at May like my best friend. One time after school I was upset and crying. We walked to her house and she brought out Ice Cream. She pretty much forced me to eat some convincing me it'll get rid of my problems. We talked about the future. What life had in store for us. Looking back, it hurts to even write this. Because that was one of many special days I shared with May. It began a bond. One I will describe throughout the rest of this story. This feeling was new. I never felt it before. My family situation at the time was a difficult one. I never felt supported by my family. So due to May, I finally felt that support. That day is one I'll always remember. Atleast I hope it'll stay in my memories as I sit on my death bed recovering my life in my head. The next couple months were interesting. Getting to know May making friends and dealing with useless drama. Dirk was another one of my best friends. Known him for years. He was my gaming buddy and my all around friend. He started to have a thing with May. I kept hearing stories about Dirk liking May. Even though at the time she was like a sister to me, I got jealous. I confronted May about it. May claimed she didnt like Dirk. Dirk had claimed May liked him. He said that she kissed him and she said he was lying. I believed her. One day Dirk walked past May and I and flipped us off. It had to do with the fact that I constantly argued with him about her because I didnt want them to be together. After that he and I argued for the rest of the year. This would be the second friend of mine who liked May. Eventually he and I became friends again. We realized it was stupid and we never had a fight again. Atleast from then until the time Im writing this. After Freshman year ended I only remember one day in particular. June 12th 2014. It was Tylers birthday. He, May, and I were at his party. Afterwards May cuddled with Tyler. They began to have a thing for a short time. I choose to not think about that time due to the fact I am a jealous person. I'm aware that isnt a quality trait. But its a protective thing as well. The thing is with other guys and my guy friends is they arent bad. Well except Tyler. He made extremely poor decisions. Moving on, I really cared about May. Deeply. If I'm not mistaken I always told myself she was just my friend. But deeply inside I had feelings that grew for her. I always hid it from myself. It wasnt my place to tell her who she should be with. I saw her with 3 other guys and didn't ever object. Because I knew my place. I was under the impression May would never feel the same way about me. So I kept it to myself. Doing whatever was necessary to have her as my best friend. Sophomore year came around. And something happened. About a year later after it happened I was told May began to have feelings for me at the beginning of Sophomore year. I never had a clue. We had another math class together that year. We shared so much. We had choir together as well. Yet something else we had in relation. That year was a special one. But also a painful one. Something I forgot to mention. May had taught me something those first two year I knew her. I used to be an asshole. I mean that with no filter. Those of you that read this that know me know I make some poor decisons sometimes even now. But I dont see myself as an asshole. But others probably think I am. Do with that as you will. Moving on. I began to date a girl that year. One that I now dont prefer to spend time talking about. She isnt important enough for it to matter. I broke up with her around january that year. About a week afterwards I got into a fight with my mom. She made it seem like I was going to be sent away. I texted May that night. Told her I might leave. I dont remember what day this was exactly. But I will always remember it. It was the first time I fell in love. Well the only time at the point im writing this in. I explained to May whats going on. Her response to that is one I remember word for word. "Please don't leave, I can't live without you!" It seems odd. But in that moment I realized something I still hold on to. I knew I had feelings for May. That Night I experienced something that no person can describe or even begin to truly understand. That was the night I fell in Love with May. Every night since then she has been in my thoughts. Even if they just hurt. We sat down and talked about how we felt in regards to one another. I remember where we sat and I remember what was said. Afterwards we went to class. For a few weeks it was a fantastic time. We had planned on dating that upcoming summer. However that never happened. People began to come between us. I became the old me. Built up stress and pressure got to me. So I lied about many things. Because of that I was losing May. That led up to a day where I wish I could forget but can't. It was lunch. I was sitting at a table with my friends. Dirk, Steven, and Tyler. I had both my headphones in and it was clear I was upset. They asked what was going on. I told them it was May. They told me things that I resent them for saying. I left the table and began crying in the hallway. I contemplated skipping my next class that day. But chose not too. That day I went into my next class and found out that my friend had committed suicide. This led to May and I making things up and going to the Funeral for him. At the funeral I was focused on May. I was upset surely. But I was more worried about her. I remember her crying in my arms. I blocked out the rest of that time and dont remember much. Up until right before we stopped being around one another. I once again went to my old ways. Began lying. And lost someone dear to me. For a couple days I was okay. I was mad at her too. I kept saying it couldnt be fixed. But she wanted to make it work. I continued to say It wouldnt work. So she quit. Blocked me on everything and I was unable to contact her. But one night I realized what I lost. Thus began my fall through. I saw her around and never said anything. Until one day I worked up the courage to apologize for what I did. She still hated me. I only know this because of what I was told. For 9 months she wasnt around. I spent the entire time trying to figure out how to get her back. Until one day after saying she didnt want me around she told me if I needed her She would be there. After some time we started hanging out again. She would say things that would stick with me. Like "I miss this." I remember the face she made when she said it. As we got older I felt something different towards her each day. Something better. That bond I spoke about was reconnected. I figured it was unbreakable. Everything was great. We began talking everyday and she slowly eased back into my life. Nothing relevant really happened until the summer of our Junior year going into our Senior year. I remember how excited she was. She even got me excited for it. It was July and I asked May if she would like to go to the fair with me. I ended up going with her her mom and her Friend. That was a fun day. I enjoyed it substantially. After a few hours of riding rides with her brother (She was afraid to ride the bigger rides) we went back to her house to cool down. It was a hot day. Later that night we went back to the fair, and we walked around. She then went into a tent with many different items and jewelery. She handed me a ring and asked if it fit. The first two didnt. The third one did. So she said and I quote "Great, now dont ever take it off." It sounds bad but it was great. I put it on and didnt take it off for atleast a week. Until I almost lost it in my sleep and decided to put it on something while I slept. She bought two rings that night. She wore her's everytime I saw her the rest of the summer. The interesting part about this was where she wore hers. It was on her left hand ring finger. I didnt know what it meant. I believe I asked her what the rings meant. She said they were friendship rings. But I knew that wasnt really true. I didnt think she was a lier. She wasnt that kind of person. I just knew she was scared. Scared of my reaction. She eventually quit wearing her ring as well. I realized over time we were both blind to one another. We were too scared to do something yet we knew how we felt. At the end of the night at the fair, her and her friend dropped me off at home. I looked at the car and saw May looking back at me. I felt a tingle in myself. My heart changed that day. In a good way. I felt love yet again for May. I was 17 maybe I didnt know what love was. I believe I did though. The rest of the summer we got close. I admitted to her that I loved her. But not in person. Something I regret. Senior year came along. And some things changed. Its not my place to tell what was going on. But May was going through a hard time. She wasnt really herself. And I didnt notice for awhile. She had to tell me. It hurt to hear she was in pain. But I spent a large amount of time worrying about her once I found out. This became something that really got between us. She as confused about how she felt about me after that. She wanted to wear matching costumes for halloween. We spent time talking about it. We actually decided on things twice. But in the end she did something herself. I was dissapointed but understood. In november of that year, we toom a choir trip to a festival. During that trip she was upset. The night we took the bus back home she sat with me. I noticed she was upset. She cried right in front of me. She kept asking me what to do. I told her this. "You are thinking about this too much, you use your head for external problems, such as friends, family and class. But you use your heart for internal problems. This is an internal problem. Look at your heart and youll find the answers you are looking for." Once I said that she looked at me for about a minute. She then wrapped herself around my arm and fell asleep on my shoulder. Its hard to describe that night. I couldnt be sure about what she felt about me. A few weeks later she asked me if I wanted to go to prom with her. I got a bit upset because I wanted to ask her. I even told her that. But a couple days later I asked May what we were. See May had asked me the same question in september that year. "What are we?" Was the question she asked. "I dont know, and we shouldnt worry about that until you are okay." Meaning she was happy again. Then I lost my mind. I asked her what we were. She said she wanted to focus on herself and didnt want a relationship. I understood that. But it hurt like hell. I turned around and immediately began crying. Due to that I walked into my next class crying. I texted May later saying I needed space and she didnt respond. The next day I tried to text her and realized she blocked me on everything again. Then at school she acted like I didnt exist. One day I was speaking to her and the next I didnt exist. It was hard. From the end of december up until february we didnt talk. I spent alot of that time crying. One day I noticed something about May. I thought she recovered from her problems. But she didnt. She was good at acting like she was okay. But one day in class I knew something wasnt right. It bothered me for weeks. I began to ask my dad and friends what I should do. I cared about her and I was worried about her, even though we werent speaking. I asked my dad one day. "Should I atleast talk to her and make sure she is okay?"
He then responded with "Son if thats how you feel then you should do it. You have a good head on your shoulders I know you will do the right thing." From that moment I tried to find the right moment to talk to her. I never found it. That is until a talent show that was in town came around. We were both in a group that was performing. The first day of rehearsel I saw her sitting alone. Not being able to stop myself I tried to ask her if she was okay. She said meh. And someone distracted us. I saw her go back to her spot by herself. And again not being able to stop myself followed. I needed to make sure she was okay. As I approached her she turned and quickly yelled at me. "What the fuck do you want?" I was immediately intimidated. But I continued. I said. "I noticed some things and I wanted to make sure you are okay." I explained I noticed something was wrong. Then she asked me why I cared. I looked her dead in the eye and said "You know why I care." She then told me to just say it. It was silent for a few seconds. But for the first time ever I was able to say it. "Its because I love you." The feeling my body had when I said that was phenominal. We then spent an hour and a half talking. She even asked me if it would be weird if we ever got married. She even said I love you back. From that point on we were around one another again. The night of the performance of the talent show we walked down to the afterparty and spent some time together. We began talking again and Saying I love you before we went to bed. But then it just stopped out of the blue. I didnt know why. After some time May's friends got ahold of me. They told me to make a move on May. They also said she wanted me to. So for two weeks I kept trying to decide if Making a move was the right call. During those two weeks May and I would hold hands and flirt and have an amazing time. It was never official. But it was as if we were together. So I made my move. Something I wanted to do for a long time. I found the right moment and I kissed her. It was fast. But the BEST feeling I ever had. Afterwards she had her forehead on mine and said she had to go. And then spring break started. For a couple days it was still as if we were together. But then all of a sudden it stopped again. Then everything from that moment just changed. For months on end It was different. It was like we were friends that loved each other but we werent together. We stopped holding hands. Stopped saying I love you. And she even said she wanted to wait. Which I understood. Whenever we were alone we were flirty. We were honest with each other. It was an alright time. We even went to prom together. That was the last time I held her hand. I will also cherish the slow dance we got to have together. We both admitted to that being our favorite part of the night. (I say our because it was mutual) But as graduation came close I felt something was going to go wrong, I had an awful gut feeling. Usually when that happens something goes wrong. And it did. I asked May if she wanted to hangout just me and her. Her mom didnt trust me and or like me and said no. From that point on it was over. I tried to talk to May about it but she just acted weird. She kept giving me the I dont know answer for everything. Before we had agreed to communicate with each other so that we would never end up hating each other or losing each other again. But she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't look at me either when I tried to understand what was going on. She said we could be friends. Rather she said and I quote, "My mom said we can be friends but thats it." I thought about it for a moment but then quickly realized I couldn't see her with another guy. Id probably hit him the moment I saw it. So I was left with a difficult choice. I had worn that ring she gave me the year before everyday for almost a year. Even when we didnt talk. I wanted to say more but my words couldnt come out. I had to let her go. I took off the ring and said I didnt want it. I regret doing that. I regret not saying more. I just couldnt keep seeing her and be able to stay strong. So I left before I felt more pain. A couple days later I left her a voicemail on her phone saying goodbye. I knew from that point on there was nothing I could do. I lost my first love for good. The one that i thought I would be with for the rest of my life. I still Love her. Im sure I always will. I still stay up at night. I still cry myself to sleep. Now, the bond is broken. I wish I could mend it but I cannot. But there are things I never understood. I knew I made bad choices but I dont get why her mother was so against her being with me, and not like me. I know I made mistakes but I was and am still young. I wouldve done anything for May. I wouldve died for her if It meant life or death. We have history. You would think our bond was invincible. But I guess High School wasnt the right place. At graduation I knew Id never see her again afterwards. I watched her get her diploma and look so happy without me. It hurt. It hurt like hell. It made a supposedly special day painful. My graduation day will be remembered as a day I dreaded. I dont doubt how she feels about me anymore. I would've done anything to be with her forever. But now, I have to live with these memories, and know I wont have my first love. I wont have the girl of my dreams I dreamed about before middle school. I Love you May. Ill always miss you. I wish we couldve held on. The kiss was the best thing to ever happen to me and so were you. You changed me as a person. Forevermore you will be and I quote. "The Girl Who Changed My World"

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741