god what a mess i am! amateur narcissus and girl lover.

i used to hate to say "i love you." 

 

i had a girlfriend a year ago; she was pretty and sweet and i don't know if i loved her. i broke up with her because i thought i loved her. 

what does that say about me?

(i am terrified of loneliness and i am terrified to truly live.)  

i had a boyfriend a couple months ago. i never loved him and i never said i did. i dated him because i thought i could convince myself i was straight. if i tried hard enough, i would forget about the smile on (redacted)'s face as she saw me. i would forget about how she looked and how she laughed and how i loved her. 

that boy robbed me of a first kiss: saliva, unbrushed teeth, and a hand grabbing(pawing, animalistic) at my waist. the sky fell and crashed and i thought of her.  

my mother(noun; synonyms include but are not limited to: liar, liar, pants on fire.) said "i love you" to me every single day for 16 goddamn years and i never said it back because i didn't love her 

and 

i learned that her words were untruthful when she told me that dad(familiar term-see father, noun; synonyms include- piano maestro when i can get him to play, dog lover, and quitter of cigarettes when he realized it was killing him) was at fault for their separation. 

i say i love you to my dad every night and i know when he says it back that he is telling the truth. 

 

there are many types of love in my heart

love for my father, who taught me to drive without gripping the dashboard or wincing when i stepped on the brakes too fast. 

love for my old girlfriend, which has faded into a dull memory. i kissed her on the cheek on top of a ferris wheel and we held hands as lights flashed against the gray sky. 

love for (redacted). i told her i loved girls and she nodded, hugged me, and repeated the same thing back to me three years later. if only, if only, the woodpecker sighs. 

 

love is a little effed up for me and i think that's okay.

i love you? (unfamiliar term- see goodnight, exclamation) 

 

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