High School and Beyond, the Dawn of Destruction

Thu, 08/01/2013 - 05:10 -- sbedian

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Life lost, a lost life,

Youth wasted, a wasted youth,

Tired of trials, trial and error,

No end in sight, living in terror,

A slave to the night, always running scared,

Hiding and hurting, lurking in the shadows,

Creeped out by its shadow, fallow hide skin tied to the win,

No end in sight,

A frightened child, never meek, not close to mild,

Wild and free once, in an easy living,

Now feeling like a dunce, barely giving a thing,

A close call with home, stalling for time,

Reality shift, one finds one’s self in strange times,

Places and people met suddenly set up for fun,

But when the night is done, nothing is won,

No proper guides, his feelings left aside,

Broken asunder, gap’s open wide,

Wide eyed wonder, strange time for pride,

No place to run to, no place to hide,

The self returns when the self departs,

The drugs kick in, and the evening starts,

Living in sin, its life departs,

Its broken way too many hearts,

It’s a scary thing to be a scary thing,

How can you live when its fear you bring?

How can you give when your touch will sting?

There’s no way out but through the tunnel,

No time to doubt my thoughts will funnel,

The wind picks up, the weather shifts,

And breezes blow giving soul some hits,

A sorcerer’s gift, a mind bereft of ease,

Heaven is calling, for me it’s a tease,

I’m down on my knees begging please let it stop,

One day after acid, having a laugh with a cop,

The end of the line, came just in time,

I was out of it always, just out of my mind,

Nothing left in me but to where build a tomb,

The womb was shattered, the bubble was burst,

I was doomed, and It really hurt,

Reality crashed in, and let me tell you, it pained me,

Everything wrong, my mind for this blamed me,

Growing pains, my mother said,

I heard the same thing at six, when my mind fled,

Unwind the time and see the truth,

Every time this happens its hurts, forsooth,

I bled too much, for my head and heart,

Enough drawn out trauma, and life departs,

It starts over again, the Spring sun shines,

And suddenly one day, I actually feel fine,

Decisions made, led by fate,

But I wasn’t a man, and I couldn’t wait.

I hated myself so much more than I knew,

Wasted youth, wasted life, for the tapestry I sew,

I condemned myself to hell, for a simple withdrawal,

A really bad decision, that led to things awful,

Five years of my life totally lost to a girl,

Just in time for the fun to unfurl,

I was done from the wrongs I had done to someone,

I broke the girls heart, the one I had won,

Myself as well, after given a gift,

After endlessly struggling, finally finding my lift,

I left her as though it was nothing to me,

When I look back at this, a fool is all I see,

Lost in a world that was lost to itself,

No way to get out, and no way to real help,

Meds came at last, just in time it sure seemed,

Peace of mind was the stuff of my dreams,

I needed it so, I needed it bad,

For it to grow, it had to stop being bad,

No hope for work now, just one day at a time,

But work came some days, and still I felt fine,

Sixty pounds up, self-esteem all the way down,

A voice in my head telling me to end it you clown,

Coming from the other side of town,

Like a deeply rooted subconscious frown,

So I quit the pills, I just let go,

And for a long time, it needed it so,

I kept it up, but once again,

I fucked it up, with another few friends,

Again and again, and apparently even now,

Even after all the destruction, but how?

It needs some instruction, it needs to be broken,

A bone that has healed wrong is only a token,

An act of redemption, a deep rooted fear,

Courage is needed, now death draws me near,

The end of the self that I’ve known for so long,

For somebody else with a different song,

A place to belong with the others who know,

The spirit folk call and the seeds that I sow,

I still need to grow, to heal one must hurt,

A badly healed bone must be broken to work,

There are things that I fear far far more that seem less,

But once again, I digress,

Meds, drugs, potions and poisons,

Smoke, toke, girls and boys in,

Fourteen years old in his head after time,

Has left him for dead, just drinking his wine,

There’s no real escape and the only sure path,

Is less risk entirely, and whatever aftermath,

I don’t know myself enough yet to know how,

I think I’ll just bet that that there’s some way how,

Throwing my weight is not great though it seems,

To rest with the hate and produce strange real dreams,

The seams in my mind open cracks where I find,

Some truth of some kind though I’m still drinking wine,

In time things will change for the surety lies,

With what it does need, this I surmise.

Surprises await, round corners and bends,

And someday the hate will be lost for good friends,

The end lies in sight and the end of the night,

Brings forth the bright morning, my quiet delight,

Between three and five I feel mostly alive,

It’s quiet in The Mind, as though I can survive,

Like others around me to whom peace of mind,

Seems surely something that they always can find.

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