Homage to My Hidden Self

Location

I sing in the shower. 

Like,

Belt my heart out,

Scream my brains out,

Get my feelings out. 

But only if nobody’s home. 

 

I lie. 

Like,

Convince my friends that I’m cooler than I am,

Argue with my doctor about how healthy I am,

Tell my mom that I’m a size smaller than I am. 

But only if I know I won’t get called on it. 

 

I don’t like myself very much. 

Like,

I’m twenty pounds too heavy,

My voice reminds me of a drunk Tom Petty,

My personality reminds me of a bowl of cold spaghetti. 

I’m just not the best me. 

 

The left side of my face is prettier, 

I only tweet funny updates at night, 

I don’t drive because I’m scared of another accident,

And I hide most of my thoughts behind my wit. 

 

I have lots of little quirks that I care so much about

Like not wearing makeup every day

And taking time to find matching socks

And staying to the right side of the hallway

And going to church even when I don’t want to

And listening to electronic music when I draw

And doing math homework early because numbers are important. 

 

I love to play Monopoly. 

I love to talk about boys. 

I hate listening to country, 

But I love how an acoustic guitar makes me feel. 

 

I hide a lot of myself from people

Because I’m dumb and ugly and weird

But I’m also smart and pretty and cool

And I’m scared that they won’t think so too. 

 

And, 

Despite my carefully cultivated public persona

And my layers and layers of fear

I still like to giggle and snort and smile too wide

Because my laugh is always real. 

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