How Are You?
Location
I draw the veil
that is a smile over my
over my sorrow, compunction, torment
over my pain and shame and unworthiness.
To those who are in amity,
how do I express the distress
of this calamity?
Dwindling to the bottom
is not strenuous;
it's as simple
as leaves falling in autumn:
natural.
As I got stale and crumbly
and lost my color and luster,
My Light,
when I implored my limits
and crash landed
broken and bound -
no longer connected to my
Source of Life,
My Roots,
you snatched me 'up and at em!'
out of my self inflicted pit.
Recovery is a grueling and arduous
endeavor:
Internal warfare
Man vs. self
Warning:
'Hostiles in sight!
Casualties will pursue,
Take no prisoners!'
Brutal, ripping, tearing apart
slice and dice
cut throat
So yes,
I tried to hide my invisible battle
I shielded my self loath
and insecurities
behind my can-do attitude
and confident grin.
Neither articulated
the floundering anxiety I felt
that wrenched my core.
The truth is
there is not always
blue skies and sunshine;
there is not always
a skip in my step and a song on my lips.
I prefer fantasy -
Happily Ever After,
The Perfect Story.
And I've held myself
to that standard,
that unreachable, deceitful lie
that has destined me to failure:
Perfection.
I prided myself
on my inexperience,
on the fact that I have never
stumbled or staggered or stopped
short of passable.
So when the inevitable fall came,
it sent my world into an implosion
of externally numb and dumb
internally reproved and reproached
and in this case,
misery does not love company
misery likes to withhold her wretchedness
and obscure it from view
Yet, you saw through my blur.
You pulled me out of my
ignominy and infamy
and for that
I am grateful.
But I wish not
to take up your time
with my adolescent
feelings of regret and remorse
you dealt with the issue
at hand
I must deal with the aftermath.
I wished to sit in my pudency
and waste away in contempt
I had coward intimately within,
breaking myself down
with harsh, cruel thoughts.
Still, you would not let me go.
You will never leave me
nor forsake me.
You are for me -
completely and utterly.
I attempted to suppress
this bulging feeling of depletion
behind my curtain.
I ventured to play my part
to the T
Olio center, forestage
in front of my front -
My Wall
Acting has never been
my strong suit
though I kept up my persona for a while,
I broke character.
Greater love and all that entails
shone through the darkness
of my stoned heart.
For so long I had joy
taken clean off my face
and you called me out for it
not in a demeaning or derogatory way
but to say
'Hey!
You have repented,
Wake up and stop sulking!
Be free!
All is done, all is forgiven!
The old has past away!
Deliverance is upon you!'
I almost laughed at the absurdity
After all this time of feeling
constricted and contained
I had a sudden wave of relief.
I drew back the heavy curtain
that treacherously guarded me so well
as I allowed you to rummage
through my mess and chaos
I cannot mask my emotions
I cannot harbor self indictment.
i must value myself
enough to release
and love my own being.
If i cannot love myself,
I cannot truly love and value others.
If I cannot love others,
what is the point
of anything
in this Life?
You taught me this.