How It Could Have Been

Nine years and twenty five days old

            That's what you'd be now, what you are now

            Fifty two days our hearts beat as one

            Your only heartbeat I knew was your last

            What would it have been like had I known

            Known that all the doctors were wrong

            Known that you could exist, that you did exist

            That your daddy and I could have loved you forever

            We still do, you're still with us; you and God

            You've kept us safe, kept us on a good path

            I bet you've met the sibling your daddy never knew

            I know you've met Logan.  You two are quite the little imps together

            Some days I wonder what you're doing, you and God

            At eighteen I was called mom for the first time by a young girl

            One who craved the love a mother and father should give

            Then, after your daddy and I got married, many more followed

            Most are still in my life

            One had just turned seventeen, and needed somebody to just understand, just love her

            Just be there

            One was eleven when I met her.  Parental love made no sense to her.  She's thirteen now

            You'd be proud of how far she has come

            The most shocking gift is the now seventeen year old who's been with us a year

            I shouldn't be surprised, since your great grandfather said it would happen

            She's leaving in three weeks, back to Africa, back to the life she had before I was Mom

            There have been others; many, many others along the way

            Sometimes I'd get so mad I didn't want to see a child, hold a baby, get close to a teenager

            Son, do you see what some of these parents do to their children?  How they treat them?

            Maybe one day you and God can help me understand how it's fair they can have their kids

            Abuse them, neglect them, starve them, take them for granted, ruin their self esteem

            Yet your daddy and I, all we ever would have wanted was to give you wings to fly

            I guess God did that for us. 

            You obviously won't let me sulk for long, my beautiful boy

            The one friend I had who truly and completely understood me

            As you know moved in January

            Another, who I thought was a friend, disappeared just after that, as my health declined

            Then, out of nowhere, you appeared -- but it wasn't you, it's not you, it will never be you

            Until the day God calls us home to join you

            He's not you, but son he is sure giving me a glimpse of what could have been

            Ya know I couldn't even use his name until just this week

            He had to have the same name as you, didn't he?  You had to make it just that clear

            That you are still with me, that you never really left

            And, in case I was too dense to get the point, his best friend's name is your middle name

            It's different with this one; my emo smurf, the monkey wrench you and God gave me

            Just as I was getting used to things the way they were

            He's different from the rest.  He's known a mother's love....so very very strong

            She'd give her life for him, just as I would.  She's been through the toughest trials

            And come up a survivor because of her love for him and his siblings

            He doesn't need another mom, and yet...

            I didn't know I could love one who wasn't biologically mine this much

            Didn't know I still had it in me to allow anyone to get close enough to care

            Ya know, son, he's twice your age and he's so much like what I hoped you would grow to be

            God told me, when I was four, I would have a son

            I'm sure of that

            I've never been more sure of anything in my life

            The day I lost you, I honestly felt like God had played a cruel joke

            Didn't even know I had you until just before you were already gone

            Everyone told me I was a “spiritual mother” to so many people

            That used to make me so mad, Luke, it really did

            I didn't want to be a “spiritual mother”

            I wanted to be a mother; your mother, the mother of a handsome, intelligent, loving son

            Another young man is moving in while your daddy lives in a different city this year

            I always thought I'd do better with sons than daughters

            Though I love all my “sons and daughters from other mothers” so very much

            Maybe I can make a difference in his life

            The way you make a difference in mine every day

            The way you're letting me see how it could have been; listening to music, watching movies

            Following pretty ponies into Narnia

            Slamming strikes in bowling

            Talking late into the night about everything

            Never being afraid to say I love you and never going a day without showing it

            His mom is so generous in sharing her miracle with me

            I think because her Logan is up there with you she understands

            Maybe son, maybe one day do you think God will give me another chance?

            I hope and pray so

            If not, thank you for showing me what it would have been, what it should have been

            Thank you for allowing me to be even a “spiritual mother” in this life

            And while you're at it, tell God thanks...for all the good people who come out of Michigan

            Even when they have go back

            And thanks especially for tossing the monkey wrench of an emo smurf in my life

            He reminds me every day to thank God for the blessings He has given me

            And to always remember to thank you and Logan for keeping us safe

            Until the day I can hold you in my arms for eternity, son

            If someone needs a mom, send them my way

This poem is about: 
My family

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