I Am... Misophonic
I Am
Suffering in Silence
I have a fear of sounds
Everyday, casual sounds
Chewing, swallowing, crunching, popping
Sneezing, tapping, clicking, coughing
All of these sounds
Drive a knife into my brain,
Signals of pain throughout my body
These everyday, casual sounds
Infuriate me.
I Am
To the point where
I can’t eat dinner with my own family
Because every crunch and swallow is too loud
To the point where
I can’t have a relationship
Because “it’s ridiculous how we can’t go out to eat”
To the point where
Going to school is a struggle
Because everyone loves to chew gum and tap their legs.
I Am
A burden.
Every friendship I ever had-
They walked on eggshells while around me
They knew the sounds that bothered me
And to avoid making those sounds near me
But after a while,
Not being able to eat a piece of pizza
Or dig into a bag of chips
Just to be able to be with me was too much.
It was not worth my friendship to stop doing that.
I Am
Without a cure.
Headphones, loud music, and ear plugs
They all help with the noises for a while...
But when I want to sit in silence
Or listen to my teachers
I cannot focus, no matter how hard I try,
Because my brain tells me that
Sniffling, chewing, coughing and crunching
Are all going to harm me in some way
And I have to believe it.
I have to live with Misophonia.
I Am
Living in a World that Mocks Me.
How are people able to go out?
To the movies?
Out to dinner?
To school?
To work?
I want to be able to do all of these but...
Having a mental breakdown when
Someone bites into a chip,
Someone sneezes because they have a cold,
Or someone pops their gum...
All of these noises make it impossible.
I Am
Misophonic and Unnoticed.
“It’s not real.”
“You want me to starve or something?”
“I can’t even breathe around you, can I?”
Almost nobody believes me when I say,
“I have a neurological disorder that makes me hate certain sounds”
Because that obviously sounds ridiculous and made up.
I have to live with this.
I have to live as a Misophonic who feels guilty
For asking someone to stop chewing so loudly
For asking someone to stop tapping their leg
For asking for a different booth when people near me eat loudly
For eating dinner in my room while my family eats at the table
I have to live with this horrible experience of hell on earth.
I Am
Fighting for my Sanity.
But it’s all in my head, right?
No,
It is all too real
And it is all too dreadful.