I Am Not Her
Location
On the stage stands
A loud, confident young woman
She always answers questions in class
Her voice clear and unwavering
She is comfortable in her skin
On the stage stands
A just, moral young woman
Her choices based on what's right
She is not impulsive
Nor is she rigid
She
Makes no mistakes
All of her actions have a purpose
And when they don't....
She pretends that they do.
She may represent me
But I am not her.
I'm silly
I act on impulses
I'm quick to anger, and sometimes... most times, doing whats right
Doesn't feel as good as I need it to
I'm self critical
Everytime my mouth closes
I listen to all the words I've spoken on an endless loop
I am not confident
At least not the way I pretend to be
I did not wake up like this
Yes I did study for that test, and yes I am proud of my grade
Yes I care about the way others view me
Yes your opinions matter to me.
I don't speak confidently either.
I stutter.
Everytime a word leaves my mouth
Without tripping and falling
Its because I forced it to practice
I forced it to practice until it was graceful.
So here I sit behind the curtain
I watch her put on the show that I quit at the last minute
I watch her flawlessly recite the words that I labored over
I gaze at the ease of her delivery
The lazy acceptance on attention
She doesn't squirm before their eyes,
I see as much from behind the curtain.