I am Sorry but I am not.

I am sorry but I am not.You were the most stable thing in my life, but since the moment you walked in you took the form of a pesticide. The label reads that it will help protect your plants, but says nothing about the negative side effects.Of course, I took the chance.It started out sweet like you were everything I would need in life, but then it turned into fighting every night.Why should I apologize for trying to leave this tiny room that you have forced me into?I just want to be free and grow.I know you're just trying to not let me go.You're holding onto the roots that you picked, squeezing so tightly my petals are falling off.My patience is running thin. You scream at me when you are pricked by a torn, but you are the one who should be aware of the harm.I just need space and time.I cannot think when I am suffocated by your hugs.I cannot speak when you kiss me when I did not ask for your tongue.I cannot hear when you are screaming at me, "Don't leave."By begging me to stay you are pushing me away like the wind that is slowly but surely taking my pollen back from where it came.In your mind, it's helping me grow, helping me populate.But to me, all I feel is myself fading away. Until one day you blow a little too hard and I am left in the ground to die.Once I am alone, I must scramble up the pieces of my broken rose and figure out who I am, how I feel, where I stand without you which is extremely hard to do when all I have known was  pleasing you for the last year and so.You ask if I love you and I have no clue what to say because I do but you're killing me in a way.You stare at me as I am your better half, but all I can glance at is your act of holding me back because you are afraid to be alone.This is not love anymore.This is nature.We fall in and out of love and blame one another when it's meant to happen.Sometimes you are rain, pouring from above helping me bloom a little more but other days you are the ocean and I cannot swim fast enough from the bottom.By the time, I reach the top I cannot breathe at all.When I do catch my breath but only for a second, your high tide comes tumbling over me and I sink once again.I am stuck in a cycle which you do not see, blinded by this beauty in the memories we once were.The times where you held me too close and that was okay because you wanted to protect me.When we use to explore downtown Dickson, searching for antiques.When we broke into the art room and danced for a few minutes.If we were once so perfect, how did we get to where we are?How did we manage to fall apart and let it get so far? I am not talking about being clingy.I am not referring to multiple texts at one time or responding in a matter of seconds instead of waiting hours at a time.I am speaking of suffocation.When I ask nicely to be alone or reject plans for one Saturday, you panic, you cry, and you yell about how I must be seeing someone else.No, this is not love anymore.It is not patience.It is not kind. Leaving me to wonder what if this is love but I am just not getting it?I understand that it is a commitment.It is not a feeling, but a choice to stay another day despite the things we say causing the other's heart to break, staying up late staring at the celling wondering if we should accept this fate.But instead, it is our routine.We constantly repeat just like the conversations we speak, the arguments we scream, and even the bruises we hide.As I am mesmerized by the house we built together, I didn't realize the holes in the celling.I didn't notice the cracks in the walls.I didn't see hard wood floors coming up.But most importantly, I didn't realize there is a locked door.I would have stayed if you had given me the obligation of leaving.However l felt endangered like I had to find a way to escape despite my feelings for you.I had to get out.I know that if I had stayed you would have made a necklace out of your hands for me.You would've taken the scissors to my stem and cut my torns, the only guards of protection.The fact that I was scared to be alone with you just proves that it was not love, but a relationship filled with imperfections beyond repair. However, I still loved you.Until you took my secret and told the world, much like sharing my bed with another girl.You used my greatest weakness against you took, my biggest fear and used it to wreck me, everything I was you destroyed so I could convince myself that I wanted you to be happy causing me to become nothing but a faint memory. I can't tell you the last time we truly laughed.          

This poem is about: 
Me
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