I Liked You

There are softballs in my mouth
When I look at you
Each thought is another home run right into my front teeth
It's supposed to be easier to say these words
Because I'm a girl
I'm supposed to be open with my emotions
But I'm also not, I'm never sure either, which one society bitches about me being today
But whatever today is supposed to be -it's not easier
Instead I'm afraid the words will come flying right out past my two front teeth
Knocking them loose and not looking back as they run for what they think is the next base in this relationship
They slide to make it those last few feet
But they've missed
Instead they sink
Down down into what that heavy feeling of regret tastes like
I feel it in every bone and soon it unclips my safety pin heart
That now is not so safe
Because I like you
And you said you liked me back
But my stomach made of butterflies gets ready to wretch whenever I get anxious or unsure
I'm ready to spill my guts out on wings that will take me past the point of "she is concerned"
To "she is psycho"
I think again and again
He's taken my palm to air kisses
And he is using them as target practice
They shatter in mid air
But the blast isn't from him pulling that imaginary trigger of leaving my message unopened
It's me coming back to see if he's seen those words I responded with in .02 seconds
He hasn't seen, I have checked
Not once not twice
Not three hours not four hours
And I feel that unraveling feeling that starts in my mouth
My words don't seem to matter they're too busy drowning in my anxious butterflies
But maybe it's not paranoia
And maybe I'm too busy trying to make it to home base to notice that
I'm trying so hard to clip your safety pin heart to mine
And my fingers are bleeding as I try to hear that satisfying clink of them locking
When they don't, I assume my fingers aren't bloody enough
I need to try harder 
It's only now occurring to me that maybe yours is broken
Or that you're fingers aren't nearly as bloody as mine
I liked you
I thought you liked me
But you're making it hard for me to like me
 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741