I never thought about it
At the beginning of senior year, I was in a daze.
Blonde, still short, and almost ready to graduate.
And I thought nothing of it.
I watched my friends apply for college.
As dead lines approched, their fingers flew with fierceness, they were typing so fast; it was like one essay after the other.
SATS came and went, and the answers seemed so hard to bubble in.
I had to avoid filling in the wrong bubble, my hand was shaking so much, I could barely control it.
I thought nothing of it.
I remember before winter break, the cast list came out.
Classmates kept their pace, shrieks of excitement were exclaimed, and then the sound vanished without a trace.
I didn't have the energy to be excited, I was being kept up because the nightmares were taking centerstage.
I thought nothing of it.
After winter break, I thought that I would go to community college.
Take a few classes, get a degree in something I loved.
Rehearsals had started, and college was adding to the stress of school.
That, and the bike tire tread that still stung like it happened yesterday.
I thought nothing of it.
I stayed after class sometime in February.
The way my teacher talked about post traumatic stress seemed like a dream.
I was told to not self diagnose.
Mom always told me I was one to self diagnose too quickly.
I still couldnt explain the nightmares.
I thought nothing of it.
The recruiter came back around March.
I told him yes perhaps sometime in May.
I was convinced that I would get married in my dressed blues.
I was convinced that the nightmares would stop as soon as recruit training started.
I thought nothing of it.
I watched my friends post their acceptance letters on social media.
I watched as they posted about scholarships and grants and their futures.
I was on my way to MEPS come July.
I stopped wearing belts when I started day dreaming about the way they'd feel around my neck.
I thought nothing of it.
After graduation, I had started running to prepare for boot camp.
As time went on, it seemed like I wasn't getting any faster.
My recruiter noticed.
His boss noticed.
And Sgt Major noticed.
I thought nothing of it.
I remember being in formation, and trying not to cry.
I kept my head up, and my pace was steady.
But all of the young men in my poole group were much stronger than I was.
It wouldnt be too hard to hold me down.
I couldnt help but be scared, it happened once; who says it couldn't happen again.
I tried to think nothing of it.
I was getting less sleep.
I was eating less.
My hair was falling out.
I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I couldn't be a Marine with pre existing PTSD.
Not when I had nightmares to deal with.
Not when I was surrounded by triggers.
Not when I thought death was the easier option.
Maybe I could have avoided it,
but I never thought about it.