I never thought about it

At the beginning of senior year, I was in a daze.

Blonde, still short, and almost ready to graduate.

And I thought nothing of it.

I watched my friends apply for college.

As dead lines approched, their fingers flew with fierceness, they were typing so fast; it was like one essay after the other.

SATS came and went, and the answers seemed so hard to bubble in.

I had to avoid filling in the wrong bubble, my hand was shaking so much, I could barely control it.

I thought nothing of it.

I remember before winter break, the cast list came out.

Classmates kept their pace, shrieks of excitement were exclaimed, and then the sound vanished without a trace.

I didn't have the energy to be excited, I was being kept up because the nightmares were taking centerstage.

I thought nothing of it.

After winter break, I thought that I would go to community college.

Take a few classes, get a degree in something I loved.

Rehearsals had started, and college was adding to the stress of school.

That, and the bike tire tread that still stung like it happened yesterday.

I thought nothing of it.

I stayed after class sometime in February.

The way my teacher talked about post traumatic stress seemed like a dream.

I was told to not self diagnose. 

Mom always told me I was one to self diagnose too quickly.

I still couldnt explain the nightmares.

I thought nothing of it.

The recruiter came back around March.

I told him yes perhaps sometime in May.

I was convinced that I would get married in my dressed blues.

I was convinced that the nightmares would stop as soon as recruit training started.

I thought nothing of it.

I watched my friends post their acceptance letters on social media.

I watched as they posted about scholarships and grants and their futures.

I was on my way to MEPS come July.

I stopped wearing belts when I started day dreaming about the way they'd feel around my neck.

I thought nothing of it.

After graduation, I had started running to prepare for boot camp.

As time went on, it seemed like I wasn't getting any faster.

My recruiter noticed.

His boss noticed.

And Sgt Major noticed.

I thought nothing of it.

I remember being in formation, and trying not to cry.

I kept my head up, and my pace was steady.

But all of the young men in my poole group were much stronger than I was.

It wouldnt be too hard to hold me down.

I couldnt help but be scared, it happened once; who says it couldn't happen again.

I tried to think nothing of it.

I was getting less sleep.

I was eating less.

My hair was falling out.

I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I couldn't be a Marine with pre existing PTSD.

Not when I had nightmares to deal with.

Not when I was surrounded by triggers.

Not when I thought death was the easier option.

Maybe I could have avoided it, 

but I never thought about it.

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.
 

 

If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741