I Now Love Me
I used to write you letters
With the hope that maybe one day
you will read them
and then you will love me again
the way you did the first few months
When you would curl around me,
My body tight against yours
I could breathe, but now
Anxiety confronts me.
I cannot take care of myself
Because I took care of you
You needed me
You told me so often, but
Can I recall a time when you even wanted me?
Of course I can.
I remember clearly the texts
So sweet yet full of power
It was me, you wanted me, you told me so.
I ask myself how it happened.
When did we go from intimacy
To manipulation?
I can’t seem to recall the date.
To remember us is to live two different lives.
The passion, intensity
Romance, control, protection, provocation
But aren’t these all exciting parts of love?
I was enamored completely
Two weeks and you were the love of my life
I promise you it is true
I know it
I know this because even now
while I am trying,
I am trying so hard, to rebuild
I love you
What is it about our love that caused me
To lose self-respect?
I drew no conclusions once the pain
Passed over each time because I refused
To believe you could hurt me.
Denial
I am in it.
I paint you as my hero but you were
Just the thief who robbed me
Of my innocence and caused
Me to place a wall around my heart
To love is to be selfless but
Not to have no self-respect
To love is to care but
Not forget about self-care
To love is to cherish but
Not to worship
16 is too young to know that but
21 is the time I have learned it.
I have forgiven you for your actions against me
Because I love you
But because of that love for you
I realize that I need to love me
So, I burn the letters I write
Because my self-respect is outgrowing
My selfless actions that were never
Reciprocated
I have controlled my anxiety
Because I am caring for myself.
How can I care for another without being
Okay on the inside?
I have found peace in the comfort of my creator
Because you are not a god, you are not my savior.
You were a boy who broke my heart.
I cherish our times together,
the good and the bad
because without you
I would not be me
Because I loved you,
I now love myself.