I Now Love Me

I used to write you letters

With the hope that maybe one day

you will read them

and then you will love me again

the way you did the first few months

 

When you would curl around me,

My body tight against yours

I could breathe, but now

Anxiety confronts me.

I cannot take care of myself

Because I took care of you

 

You needed me

You told me so often, but

Can I recall a time when you even wanted me?

Of course I can.

I remember clearly the texts

So sweet yet full of power

It was me, you wanted me, you told me so.

 

I ask myself how it happened.

When did we go from intimacy

To manipulation?

I can’t seem to recall the date.

 

 

To remember us is to live two different lives.

The passion, intensity

Romance, control, protection, provocation

But aren’t these all exciting parts of love?

I was enamored completely

 

Two weeks and you were the love of my life

I promise you it is true

I know it

I know this because even now

while I am trying,

I am trying so hard, to rebuild

I love you

 

What is it about our love that caused me

To lose self-respect?

I drew no conclusions once the pain

Passed over each time because I refused

To believe you could hurt me.

 

Denial

I am in it.

 

I paint you as my hero but you were

Just the thief who robbed me

Of my innocence and caused

Me to place a wall around my heart

 

To love is to be selfless but

Not to have no self-respect

To love is to care but 

Not forget about self-care

To love is to cherish but

Not to worship

 

16 is too young to know that but

21 is the time I have learned it.

 

I have forgiven you for your actions against me

Because I love you

But because of that love for you

I realize that I need to love me

 

So, I burn the letters I write

Because my self-respect is outgrowing

My selfless actions that were never

Reciprocated

 

I have controlled my anxiety

Because I am caring for myself.

How can I care for another without being

Okay on the inside?

 

I have found peace in the comfort of my creator

Because you are not a god, you are not my savior.

You were a boy who broke my heart.

 

I cherish our times together,

the good and the bad

because without you

I would not be me

 

Because I loved you,

I now love myself. 

This poem is about: 
Me

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