Wasn’t Enough

I wasn’t enough

When I was ten years old, I went out into public, to a school dance, wearing a scarf as a dress, because some people said i looked cool. I thought listening to them would make me popular, or even just liked. It made me think I would finally have friends, until everyone laughed the moment I walked in.

 

I wasn’t enough

At twelve years old, I lied to my best friend, saying how I couldn’t hang out because my mom said no. When really, there was someone else I wanted to spend more time with, someone else I felt was more important at that time. Because hanging with them, made me cool, because they were the cool kids.

 

I wasn't enough

The day I started high school, I dressed like the rest of my friends, and felt uncomfortable the whole day. Wearing these boots that clicked as I walked. This shirt that flowed behind me. Hair pulled back in this slicked ponytail, my head aching from it.

 

I wasn’t enough

March 1st, the day I had my first boyfriend. I thought I liked him, and maybe I did for those six months we dated. But he didn’t like me. He wanted me, said he loved me, but all he did was use me. But that first day, that very first day we were official, I lost three friends. Because they didn't approve.

 

I wasn’t enough

When you were pushing me to the bed, saying this was all out of love. Making it sound like every single time I said no, stop, im not ready, I made you upset. You would cry and make me feel guilty for not giving you what you wanted, until i finally said yes.

 

I wasn’t enough

The day he broke up with me, he said it was because of school, football, life. But, I soon figured why he actually did. Sex. He broke up with me because I wouldn’t have sex, because I wasn’t ready to lose the most precious thing to me, at the age of 15. He left me, because I had self respect.

 

I wasn’t enough

For that year and a half after we broke up, I didn’t date anyone. You made me fear relationships, fear commitment, fear sex. I felt like I would never be good enough for someone again, because I wasn’t good enough for your abusive ass. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone.

 

I wasn’t enough

The first day I self-harmed. Middle of sophomore year. I only did it once. But then it came back harder. It became an addiction that started the end of my junior year. It started the day I had my first boyfriend since him. I was scared and nervous, nowhere near ready for another relationship.

 

I wasn’t enough

We only lasted a month, not long, but it still hurt. He cheated on me, left me for this girl who had no clue I existed. I was hurt, sure, but I still knew I was better than her, I was the one who was able to walk away and conquer the world.

 

I wasn’t enough

Since I have turned 16, my thoughts have grown. They evolved into the bad thoughts, the ones that make you think about doing things to yourself that is a parents worse dreams. I had many times I almost went through with the thoughts. Almost letting them win and take control of me.

 

I wasn’t enough

The night I finally broke down, let everything come out, and harmed a bit too far. Now they won’t go away, while the scars use to fade, these ones won’t. They are stuck, a constant reminder of what I went through to get here. To get to this exact moment in my life.

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I wasn’t enough

Medication began to litter my daily consumption. I had to swallow them, just to keep the thoughts at bay, just to keep them from consuming my mind and strangling me alive. It was kinda strange. I went from a time were I had to deal with the thoughts by myself, but now i had this magical pill. This tiny little capsule that was supposed to end it all, except it made it worse during the time I had to take it.

 

I wasn’t enough

My first day of counseling, frightening? Yes. But it was a relief at the same time. Being able to finally talk to someone who understood it all. Understood the pain I was going through and why all this self hate ran through my mind. She made me feel as if I was normal again, for old time’s sake.

 

I wasn’t enough

The beginning of my senior year, I lost five friends. Five friends I had known since seventh grade. They had shaped my summers and were what thousands of my memories were built on. But just like that, bam, I would no longer see them. They would avoid me in the halls, ignore me during class, and act like I didn’t exist at all. I was seen to them as a “fake”, because, they too, believed my depression was all a lie in hindsight.

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I thought I wasn’t enough

I let everyone else’s opinions control my views on myself. I didn’t let my mind control what i saw. I let the world around me influence that. I let people say I wasn’t pretty enough. I let friends tell me to improve. I let everyone tell me something to do better, than me. That was the only thing I wasn’t good enough at, believing in myself.