I won't run anymore because you have become the reason for my existence

Fri, 06/14/2013 - 03:49 -- naybo

Location

92509
United States
33° 59' 58.578" N, 117° 25' 55.722" W

I won't run anymore because you have become the reason for my existence because when you leave my side, I want to store the aroma of you in my lungs to have it occupy my insides till it marinates my heart in love, and so i do not breathe because with every breath I feel your memory fading, and I want nothing but to hold on to that little bit of happiness we just shared because every moment with you means happiness, and without you I am a vagabond soul wandering the empty streets looking for a home, but never finding one because you are my compass, and North and South and East and West all blend together and swirl around me like I am in the eye of a tornado, like my only escape is to find you because if I can't find you and bring you by my side once more and press your soft lips upon mine and find solace in the greenness of your eyes, I know that I will cease to exist.

Comments

thisispoetryproject

I appreciate your method of expression. There's so much potential in this poem and that is why I must challenge you to take your use of metaphors to the next level. You've done a great job, but I believe you can do better.

Get a little more creative with your metaphors and make sure you use the words that paint your picture the best!

For example, when you say, "I want to store the aroma of you in my lungs to have it penetrate my insides till it marinates my heart in love", you might decide to use the word "sink" rather than "penetrate". The reason is that "penetrate" is typically associated with a violent thrust and this doesn't match the atmosphere of your poem. "Sink" is more of a gentle, gradual penetration.

Instead, you might write, "I want to store the aroma of you in my lungs until it sinks into my heart, marinating it with love".

Overall, this is one love poem that everyone can relate with. Thanks for sharing! :)

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