If God Were A Woman

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God, why aren't you a woman?

If God were a woman the Backstreet boys would have never grown up, and N’sync would have never broken up, and Chris Colfer from glee would be straight.

If God were a woman boys would actually like our flaws instead of lying and saying they do, but breaking up with us when they get out of control.

If God were a woman, every girl would be able to pull of high-waisted jeans and bandeaus with see-through tops.

If God were a woman, Jillian’s ten minute abs would actually only take ten minutes…and we’d look as hot as Jillian while doing the ten minute abs.

If God were a woman, Easy-To-Do hairstyles would actually be easy to do, and the Brazilian but workout would actually give you a Brazilian butt.

If God were a woman, our hair would never gray and our skin would never wrinkle and our boobs wouldn’t sag.

If God were woman, black coffee would actually taste as good as a Caramel latte, but wouldn’t be as fattening.

If God were a woman, every girl would have a kiss with her boyfriend like Noah and Allie did in the rain, and every guy would ask a girl out the way Noah asked Allie: hanging on a ferris wheel.

If God were a woman, every guy would have to vow to fiercely love us in all of our forms” like Leo did with Paige in The Vow…oh and they’d have to actually mean it.

If God were a woman, every girl would basically have the life of Rachel McAdams in all of her movies. (minus the whole getting-run-over-by-a-bus-gaining-twenty-pounds-kaltein-bar-situation)

If God were a woman, we would all be able to sing like Christina Aguilera, dance like Beyoncé, all while looking like a Victoria’s Secret Model, and being able to eat like a horse all at the same time.

If God were a woman, guys would actually like cuddling with us, kissing us on the cheek, stroking our hair, texting us long goodnight and good morning messages, writing love letters, taking us for long walks at night, and basically anything that isn’t doing the naughty.

If God were a woman, every guy would have an Australian accent, not just Australians, damn it.

If God were a woman, there would be an endless supply of chocolate-covered strawberries in our refrigerator’s, a Starbucks in every town, fresh cinnamon rolls every morning for breakfast, and cookie dough ice cream would be zero calories…

If God were a woman, everything would be zero calories.

If God were a woman, a boy’s sleepy voice would be their all-the-time-voice, and box would always have that nervous fast-paced heart beat when they were around you and it wouldn’t fade away over time.

If God were a woman, boys would fall in love with what they met instead of what they saw.

If God were a woman, our hair color would actually stay in.

If God were a woman, we wouldn’t get our periods, and we wouldn’t get cramps.

If God were a woman, Hilary Clinton might just have beat Obama (okay maybe that’s just worse for the general public, but you know what I mean)

If God were a woman, we wouldn’t get wedgies and thongs wouldn’t be so damn uncomfortable.

If God were woman, there’d be a magical weight loss fairy and you wouldn’t have to do any exercise.

If God were a woman, getting your eyebrows waxed or threaded wouldn’t be equivalent to pouring acid on our faces.

If God were a woman, she would make american eagle affordable and jeans would be a “one size fits all” deal, like in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

If God were a woman, nail polish would never chip, and our legs would never get hairy.

If God were a woman, we wouldn’t have to run to loose weight.

If God were a woman, the scale really would “just be a number,” and curves would actually be sexy.

If God were a woman, guys really would think our eyes were pretty.

If God were a woman, we wouldn’t get the urge to eat our weight in food during the middle of the night.

If God were a woman, our lashes would already be long, our eyes would already be lined, our cheeks would already be blushed…but they’re not.

Why?

Maybe God, or whatever or whoever created us, didn’t think the media and the magazines and the models would have brainwashed us so much.  He didn’t think our eyes should be lined and our cheeks should be blushed and our lashes should be lengthened, because he was a guy and guys don’t understand the ache we have to be “pretty.”  Maybe he didn’t think we would get that ache.  Maybe he thought we would be happy with who we are so he didn’t make us all into Victoria’s Secret Models, but we’re not happy with who we are and he had no clue we wouldn’t be happy with who we are and he had no clue we’d be brainwashed by our demanding society, but it did brainwash us, and it is brainwashing us, but it doesn’t have to brainwash us.  It doesn’t have to be that way.

Maybe God made things hard for girls because he knew how strong we would be and he knew we could fight through anything, even our own insecurities.

Maybe God  was a man instead of a woman because he wanted girls to have to force themselves to find their own God and put their faith toward something else: themselves.  

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