My chest tightens

As the bile rises up

 

Hurtful words pass my ears

And echo in my head

 

“I'm too ugly”

“Kill me now”

 

Things I see posted

And heard from friends

 

Dark thoughts

That shouldn't be thought

Make their way out

Of people's mouths

Out of their fingertips

 

Some say they want attention

But I know there is

Truth behind their words

 

Their words are a plea for help

 

I know that they mean

What they think

 

I know this because

These thoughts take root in my mind

“I'm not good enough”

“You'll never be like that”

 

Words cut through me like a sword

But it is at my own hand that I am wounded

 

It is my own mind

That traps me

 

It is my own mind

That tells me I'm not

Good enough

 

It is my own mind

That keeps me in chains

Not able to fly free

To be me

 

Then there is

That one short moment

That I look at myself and think

“You are beautiful”

“You are talented”

“You are smart”

 

But that lasts close to no time at all

I'm thrown back into that cycle

Of self loathing and hate

 

I see pictures and drawings and think

“Now they've got talent”

And I'll be the first to tell them

“You are amazing”

And they'll be the first to tell me

“But they’re so much better than me”

But then I want to snap back

And hammer into their mind

“You are beautiful”

 

But as soon as I say it

I think

Why are you saying this to others

When you don't even believe it

Of yourself

 

Why do I have the right to say to people

“Don't say such things”

When those very thoughts haunt me

Wherever I go?

 

“Sticks and stones

May break my bones,

But words scar my

Mind and my soul”

 

So why do we carry around loaded weapons

Where the weapon is our mouth

And the bullets are our words

 

These weapons doesn't even

Have to be fired

To do serious damage

 

These weapons that we carry leave us

Broken

Battered

Bruised

But begging for someone to help is pretty much taboo

 

These dark thoughts

Will just fester inside

Waiting for a place to put them

 

You think if you ignore them for long enough,

Those thoughts will just

Disappear

Into oblivion

And away from you

Breaking the chains

That hold you hostage
Breaking the sword

That cuts you deep

 

But they don’t go away

At least, not forever

 

They bite and claw

At their cage

Desperate to get free

Desperate to hurt you

 

And the thoughts don’t stop

They fight and cry out

And they claw and they

Scream at you

 

Until you’re shaking

And crying

And hating your body

Your mind

Your whole being

 

But then it’s time to face the world

 

You brush back the tears

And plaster on a smile

 

You go to school and sit with friends

But you can’t help yourself

As you look around in the noisy room

You look at others

And the thoughts break free

Free to roam your mind

Free to feed your insecurities

Free to make you think

Dark things

Envious things

 

You look around and think

“If only I was skinny like her”

“If only I had a talent like them”

“If only I was”

“If only I had”

“If only”

 

You have these thoughts every day

Wishing you were someone else

Just wishing

 

I’m always wishing

I’m the one going

“If only”

 

I’m not popular

I’m not amazingly pretty

But I’m someone who knows

Who I want to be

When I leave school

But I can’t even finish writing four chapters

Much less reach that dream

 

I’m honestly just

Me

 

But I dream too

I sit in my room and

Think

 

“If only”

 

“If only I stopped wanting to change

“Who I am”

“If only I loved myself

“And every part of it”

“If only I could look at my reflection

“And say

“You are beautiful”

 

Because I am

 

I am who I am made to be

I am who I am

And you are too

 

You are beautiful

I am beautiful

 

If only we all believed that