"I'm a Pain in the Astrological Sense"

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Silent and still in her darkness she observed

The lights glowing in her milky way growing disturbed.

The stars jarred and jerked

Though their brilliant burn seemed all the same from planet Earth.

 

Except for my mother who laid peacefully asleep

Til a pang sharp and strong began to creep

Upon her from within,

As a white thread Nona did rigorously spin.

 

Now the stars shook violently awaiting to hear,

Nona call out “Gemini!”

And Cicero did sneer.

 

ŸŸŸ

 

Twenty years later I sit here wondering
“Where is philosophy now?”

Because I’m a pain in the astrological sense,

Just like they said I would be.

I was born with one body, two hearts, two minds,

One mouth: the curtain which the sides of me live behind.

 

And when it opens

The sides of me often speak out of turn, in outbursts, or don’t speak at all.

I don’t know which is worse.

 

For years I only knew the one side of me,

Always, silent, appeasing, displeased, but safe…

And that was what mattered the most then.

 

Words and throws repeatedly bounced off of me

Like the feet of the children I envied on a trampoline.

 

I supposed I deserved it,

And played songs like records in my head

To concentrate instead on anything else,

Only catching bits and pieces of hate-filled words that stung like venom.

 Until one day I placed down a record

And set the needle on it

But it just wouldn’t turn.

 

The venom-like words seeped into my mind

And I felt the still flame inside of me start to burn,

Brighter than any stars that could determine my fate

Turning to ash every piece of every word I’d ignored filled with hate.

 

 I feared no longer and would appease no more,

Yelling so loud that my lungs shook the floor,

 

And I met her.

 

The side of me not afraid to demand respect,

The anti-me who soon would reflect

Everything I ever needed to survive.

 

ŸŸŸ

 

That’s why 20 years later I sit here wondering
“Where is philosophy now?”

Because I’m a pain in the astrological sense,

Just like they said I would be.

I was born with one body, two hearts, two minds

Each of which I’ve tended to hide behind.

 

It’s been long since they’ve worked in my favor.

 

In a room full of pretentious men who embody the man

I haven’t found the courage to raise my hand.

I haven’t shared opinions for the fear

That when those men hear what sounds just and righteous to my ear

They might scoff.

And so, I relent.

 

But with those who love me most,

I’m hell bent on having any and every harsh word be heard,

Standing up against an invisible enemy from the past.

Whether Cicero was right

Or Nona has truly spun our fate,

I have a message for all those who relate.

 

Let us stop hiding our whole selves behind the parts of us that seem the safest,

And take chances at making changes.

Let your whole self be exposed,

And whether the world likes it the most

Doesn’t matter.

 

Be real, be you.

 

And when you finally decide that pulling that curtain back is something you should do,

Take it from me and take a look in the mirror.

The only thing standing in your way

Is you.

 

 

 

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