Inside My Head

Location

Screaming on the inside, praying that I can go and hide.

No one sees the demons that pull at me inside.

I laugh outside, as I cry inside.

“SOMEONE HEAR ME!” I scream.

“SOMEONE HELP ME!” I beg.

“Someone see me…” I whisper to myself.

I hide myself in the bathroom, the blade cuts deep into my skin,

No one knows what I hide within.

 

Blurring lights, whispered voices, my mouth dry.

I try to open my eyes,

I try to cry out for my Mother.

Father.

God.

What have I done..?

 

I woke up today.

 I saw the IV in my hand.

I saw a blood bag next to my bed.

My legs and arms are bandaged…

They feel sore.

I look around the room and I see my mother, sleeping in a chair.

I see my father with his tear stained face buried in his hands.

I try to make sense of it all.

Then the voices start again.

They scream at me! They tear at my ears!

I feel myself bleeding.

I feel myself slip away.

I recede back into myself no one wants to hear me cry…

No one knows the demons that I hide.

No one would understand…

 

My mother will resent me.

I hope she forgives me.

I hope she finds my letter hidden under my pillow.

My father will disown me.

I hope he forgives me.

I hope maybe one day he will be proud of the things I did before today.

God hates me.

I hope he forgives me.

I hope he won’t be too disappointed in me.

 

I hear someone say. “I wish I would have known sooner… Maybe I could have gotten her help…”

It sounds like my mother.

I hear someone crying, it’s fading.

 

I see a light.

I can’t move towards it, I feel as if my body is stuck in one place.

Never to be free.

The voices scream louder and louder!

‘Kill yourself, no one would care.’

‘No one knows you’re alive anyways.’

‘Die!’

‘Die!’

‘Die!’

‘Die!’

 

I was laughing on the outside…

She was standing right next to me and she hugged me tight.

She knew the secret I hid behind my eyes.

A smile came across her lips, she took my hand, she understands.

I see the scars on her arms.

They match the ones I hide.

‘Not yet.’ I think to myself.

One more day.

 

That was four years ago, today.

My mother reminds me how much she loves me now.

My father tells me that he’s proud of me.

God healed my heart, and erased my demons.

She saved me.

  

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