insomniac.

Location

night is when all of my monsters emerge.
not from under the bed
or in the closet -
though i still insist
on keeping the lamp on 'til i'm in bed
so something doesn't grab my legs 
and keeping the closet door shut
so i'm not watched all night -
but from deep inside me,
that dark place where they hide
until the sun sets and i'm
alone.

the shadows are frightening 
and the 
tick
tick
tick
of the clock
seems like a timer
counting down the minutes until i explode, 
a self-destructive time bomb.

sometimes the flickering flame of a candle
or the heavy fumes of incense
will calm me down and i'll
be just fine.
but other times i stare at the candle
and wonder why it isn't burning at both ends
like my life is.
and i watch the incense slowly die and think
how sad it is
to watch its ashes fall.
and i feel like that's
what i'm doing to myself -
lighting myself on fire and just
watching
as i turn to ash.

and the night goes on and i 
don't know what to do
because i'm so lonely and afraid and i ache
for the arms of another 
to keep me warm and safe
and just be there
until the dawn.

so i'll turn on music and hope
that it can get my mind off everything.
because i always say
it's better to feel pain
than nothing at all...
but not right now because the pain
is killing me and i can't
stand it
anymore.

and i start to wonder if anything
is really worth it.
and if it would be easier to just
kill the pain,
once and for all,
by cutting just a little deeper
or - oh, the irony - 
overdosing on the pills
that are supposed to be helping me
but don't do a thing.

and as the tears begin to fall
i grab hold of a teddy bear
because if that's the only comfort i can find
i'll take it
because it's certainly better 
than nothing.
and i cling to it like my life depends on it
because after all, who knows?
maybe it does.

and finally after hours or months or years - 
i'm not sure anymore; 
sometimes a minute lasts a second
and sometimes an hour
or a week
or a month - 
the sun starts to come up
and the shadows start
to disappear.
and i know that now
i'll be okay
and i can finally
sleep.

Comments

klockhart95

note that i also posted this here under the username kmills95

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