For a very long time I looked down on myself
for pursuing my dreams instead of the wealth
My brother, an engineer
My sister, a nurse
not the lawyer you wanted to see
but an Asian-American fondling artisty
Dancing in the realm of what is taboo
with fear that my parents say "I hate you"
Hate me for living the American dream
while daddy sold single cigarettes to impoverished teens
while mommy weaved traffic selling rice cakes
And y'all birth me here in mind one road to take
In high school classmates would cheat off of me
not knowing I was not the asian to be
I feel like a dissapointment
I wish you could see my diaries filled with "I'm sorry"
Pages and pages of apologies
as if it were my fault
All of these feelings kept in a vault
'cause when my wounds confess
you'd lather on salt
an excess of sodium overseasoned with tears
On top of my freedom
you slathered on fear
And that was the recipe
The recipe of true control
of thinking I'm being dumb
of thinking I'm being weak
of thinking parents are numb
when the child they birthed comes with a tweak
Do you hate me?
For having ADHD?
Do you hate my generalized anxiety?
How do I explain to you something you cannot see
when this something is not prioritzed in your country?
secretly seeing a shrink in my twenties
"Do you have any signs of depression?"
Depression? Something every doctor will ask or mention
And finally the D-word got my attention
"Yeah. Yeah, I do."
I finally tend to it
Instead of over my head
it went through it
And here I confront an awaited intervention
with myself and a future you wished to create
Panic attacks paying my pension
for power to pride passion before it's too late
before it passes
I used to wish it would
but what could I do if I pursued something that did my heart no good?
I hope you don't hate me
Because I do all I am with good intention
good intention towards two
And all I can mention is
I love you
in hopes to hear
I love you too.