Janus

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Who am I?

Who do you think I am?

Who do I want to be?

Who was I in the past?

sometimes it's hard to tell the difference

a hodgepodge 

of memories 

that sometimes i can't tell

if they show how how I used to feel or how I feel now

sometimes I hide behing a mask of bravado

all rash decisions

and spur-of-the-moment choices

following the ego side of my mind

trying to prove 

that i have the balls to get things done

that I'm not afraid

that I can be brave for someone

but there's another part of me

that has balls of copper

and is scared to even ask a question

doesn't like being looked at

refuses to speak

that runs behind a friend

acting like I'm joking when I ask them to

protect me

there's a logical part of my brain that knows this is foolish

pointless

stupid even

but sometimes that isn't enough

when I say to myself

'I'm not good enough'

once I read a zodiac thing

that told about what each zodiac sign feared the most

and for me

it simply read

Inadequacy

and I was never more struck with the truth then in that moment

so yes,

sometimes I try to put on the brave front that I keep for special occasions

and sometimes I put on the self-interested face of who I was as a child

sometimes I put on my logical front

that explains things to people and never raises their voice

but mostly

I just struggle 

with the daily trouble of

figuring out who i actually am

which face I want to put on for the rest of my life

people tell me all the time

you're toung

you don't need to worry about it

you've got your whole life ahead of you

but just so you know

that doesn't make me feel any better

doesn't stop the panic attacks that come in the middle of the night when I'm alone with my

thoughts

thoughts that make me shiver

with foreboding

but somewhere

in the tiny recesses of my mind

there is a little part of me

that simply says

Be Who You Are Today And Nothing More

it doesn't matter that sometimes I get whiplash from changing so often

if I go through each day

as though this is who I could be for the rest of my life

I think I would feel satisfied

less like Janus, the god with many faces

and more like

Myself

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