Janus
Location
Who am I?
Who do you think I am?
Who do I want to be?
Who was I in the past?
sometimes it's hard to tell the difference
a hodgepodge
of memories
that sometimes i can't tell
if they show how how I used to feel or how I feel now
sometimes I hide behing a mask of bravado
all rash decisions
and spur-of-the-moment choices
following the ego side of my mind
trying to prove
that i have the balls to get things done
that I'm not afraid
that I can be brave for someone
but there's another part of me
that has balls of copper
and is scared to even ask a question
doesn't like being looked at
refuses to speak
that runs behind a friend
acting like I'm joking when I ask them to
protect me
there's a logical part of my brain that knows this is foolish
pointless
stupid even
but sometimes that isn't enough
when I say to myself
'I'm not good enough'
once I read a zodiac thing
that told about what each zodiac sign feared the most
and for me
it simply read
Inadequacy
and I was never more struck with the truth then in that moment
so yes,
sometimes I try to put on the brave front that I keep for special occasions
and sometimes I put on the self-interested face of who I was as a child
sometimes I put on my logical front
that explains things to people and never raises their voice
but mostly
I just struggle
with the daily trouble of
figuring out who i actually am
which face I want to put on for the rest of my life
people tell me all the time
you're toung
you don't need to worry about it
you've got your whole life ahead of you
but just so you know
that doesn't make me feel any better
doesn't stop the panic attacks that come in the middle of the night when I'm alone with my
thoughts
thoughts that make me shiver
with foreboding
but somewhere
in the tiny recesses of my mind
there is a little part of me
that simply says
Be Who You Are Today And Nothing More
it doesn't matter that sometimes I get whiplash from changing so often
if I go through each day
as though this is who I could be for the rest of my life
I think I would feel satisfied
less like Janus, the god with many faces
and more like
Myself