People keep saying that I could just leave

     They say, it is as simple as walking away

     (How could they know?)

     They say, I’m strong, and that I can preserver: (How can I?)

    They say, they say, they say

 

I cannot do it:

  Cannot leave

  Cannot walk

  Cannot have strength

 

I am a prisoner in my own mind

I am lost in a world that is all my own

I speak in a tongue that I don’t comprehend

I am a stranger to myself

 

I survive

I exist

I last

I wander

 

I do not have life flowing through me

I do not excite into frenzy

I do not have real interactions

I do not sleep in a sound mind

 

 

I am restless

I am lost

I am wondering

I am questioning

 

Nothing is real

 

My friends don’t. . .

My family doesn’t . . .

My piers don’t. . .

My church doesn’t . . .

 

The frustration I feel

       The stress

       The worry

       The panic

      The pressure of the ceiling falling

 

I feel these things

   Things I cannot understand

   Things I do not want

   Things my body rejects

 

My body aches, it congeals, it squirms, it’s restless.

 

I am a prisoner to my self- leaving is no option

I’m too involved with community

I’m too lonely

      Too scared

      Too sad

      Too fearful

      Too cold

 

 

I want to fly

I want to soar

I want to swim

I want to dive into a Great Perhaps

 

I want to be freed

I want to feel the grass

Smell the roses

Pick the Daisy’s

 

If I could bear myself to those who say they care, what could I say to make them understand?

 

Understand that I cannot connect with them

I cannot feel their emotions

I cannot love them the same way

I cannot live without them

 

I pretend so well, they do not see, or maybe they do not want to see.

 

I’m too damaged for them to see it

   They can’t believe someone could be so hurt

   That I could put on such a good front

   That I can play anything down

 

I’m lost in my own mind

I’m my own prisoner

I’m lost in my own thoughts

I’m my own worst enemy

 

I cannot allow myself to breath

I cannot feel my arm

I cannot feel my heart

I cannot hear a beat.