I wrote this poem because of a journal entry I wrote entitled--"Entries from an agnostic." The poem is about my spiritual journey from young childhood until I turned 18: it's important to note that my current beliefs and ideology are not represented in the poem. When reading the poem, read it as if truly attempting to provoke a response. Everything is intentional. This is my 2nd draft.
Below is the quote the poem is based on.
"Hey God, if you're really out there, if you could show me yourself somehow...I'll be on the look out for you..if that's even possible..”
I’m the kid from that baptist home.
The one in Peoria, Illinois: that’s where I was grown.
Don’t remember? Well here, let me try and help.
I’m the little boy who went to Bayview.
The one who, at three, learned to thank God for what he gave you.
The little boy who had an abundance of energy.
The one who left his handprint in the wet driveway cement.
The little boy who could recite John 3:16, and knew Jesus had been sent.
I’m the little boy who came from a home with a pastor and pastor’s wife.
I’m the little boy, that was "set for life”.
Hmm, maybe you need more, I am pretty boring...
Let’s head to my pre-teens. If you want I'll keep on going?
I’m the kid whose family sinned by going from Baptist to Non-denominational.
The same kid who hated sunday school, but hated “big-church” more.
The kid who thought song-motions were life’s biggest chore.
Im the one kid who wouldn’t participate.
The kid whose worship for you became all but innate.
The kid who obviously came from a troubled home.
I’m the kid who had many friends, yet still felt alone.
I’m the kid that “learned" about you every Sunday--sometimes twice.
“What did you learn about in Sunday School?” “Jesus..” “What about him” “He’s…..nice.”
That kid was me, until 8th grade or so..
This doin' anything for ya?
Maybe..maybe I’ll just go.
Wait no, there’s still all of high school!
That’s the real meat of this shit..
Here, let me remind you.
It will just take a bit.
I’m the guy that had seen the light.
I'm the guy who prayed every (other) night.
I’m the guy who loved his youth group.
I’m the guy who trusted in you.
I loved you because I never questioned.
But I went to Argentina, that’s where I learned my lesson.
You MUST remember!
I’m the guy who vowed to be open.
The guy who was “taking a break”
I’m the guy who knew he had chosen
To put all his trust in his fate.
I tried, I really did, to keep you at the center.
A friend asked me why I believed
This was the moment when questions began to enter.
You know what happened next..at least you should…
If you’re even there.
This is your chance.
Come on, show me you’re who they say you are!
I’m the man that had a dog named Mister Higgins, remember that?
Still no? Well, maybe you’ll remember that you gave me a gay dad...
Is it coming back yet? The man with the closeted gay father?
Yep, it’s me. That’s my Dad. You created him.
I’m also the man that learned it’s YOUR image we’re made in.
Why should I believe anymore?
I don't even know you.
I was force-fed information, and TOLD it was true!
I’m the man who was TOLD how to live.
I'm the man who was TOLD to forgive.
I'm the man who was TOLD to believe.
I'm the man who was TOLD not to leave.
Is this ringing a bell? 'Cause I’m seeing lights on, but no one's home.
They TOLD me to root myself in you, only there I’d reach full-grown.
Your supposed to be here, are you even fucking paying attention?
I’m having trouble seeing you!
I guess THAT’s what I didn’t mention..
It’s me.. a man who is “blind” and “can’t see”.
I remember you…
Do you remember me?