This is my letter of resignation. Resignation from the anger and the pain that you inspired in me; the loathing that you so rightly fueled, but -most importantly- it is the resignation from the hatred in my heart.
I remember, when I was younger, how every story would end happily, but I was no fool. I was taught that life is not fair, and that we should not all fall in line for a hope of a better tomorrow to be given. I was raised to know that heaven and hell are not things in the hereafter, but rather that which we create of this life we have been given. Through tribulations and trials, life teaches us to overcome the obstacles thrown in our way. How was I to know, however, that one of those that was burdened with this glorious task of instructing a child in the ways of making the world the best possible would fail so miserably? Would be one of the ones who taught me of the unfairness of it all?
You see, hatred is not a simple thing. It takes years to lodge itself into solemn hearts behind empty masks of happiness, corroding away a purified soul and leaving nothing but broken foundations of that which would remain. It is on these foundations that a child will build her entire life, with the only thing she trusts is the burning passion in which she can not wait to slip a blade into. When the only way she feels she will be able to persevere will be to slit the throat of the monsters that plague her every thought...that is when there is no longer a point.
How can a daughter be expected to grow, when all she feels is her mother's hindering mistakes on her shoulders; their weight being more than that of the world, because not only is the planet in her hands, but the future of it? In what way is it healthy for a young girl to hide from mirrors, afraid of the resemblance of the damned that bore her? One may state to themselves that this shouldn't matter; that it is only by circumstance that this could occur...but we all know that isn't true.
When there is no light in the darkness of a mind full of such a vile toxin as hatred, there is no longer hope for salvation. Happiness cannot be found with ease, when those that need nirvana the most, push it away. No god nor deity can give bliss, when intelligence counters the most simple ideas.
This...This is my letter of resignation. Resignation from the hatred that you so lightly placed in my heart, when you refused a daughter of the knowledge of a mother. When you decided you would rather party and numb your own self hatred by wallowing in vats of wine than by picking up your own child and showing her the beauty of the world. When her father has to be the one to teach her about the fundamentals of womanhood, because the woman who was to take that honor refused it with a drunken phone call, pleading innocence. Many may not judge for this loathing that I hold, but the only thing it kills is my innocence. I once felt that this would be the most proper way to torment, to exact my rightly earned revenge, when, in truth, all I did was lash at the only ones that had ever been there for me.
And it was all because of you, that, night after night, I cry out in my sleep in terror and my father lays awake, wondering if he did the right thing, by removing the cancer that would only have killed. When this malignancy of your mind's malfunction beats itself into my own head: hypochondriac fears of the perversion of my senses like those to yours.
Oh, yes, I'be been resenting the passing years without notes or letters, and I've loathed my own genes. How, with this hatred so deep, have I managed to both hate you, and love you? I have hidden every flaw and every redeeming quality behind you; but now? I finally see, that I have mistaken my fate for that which coding from a simple G A T or C from you would make. So, though, it is true that your imprint is deep in me, it will always be up to me.
So, This is my letter of resignation. Resignation from the anger and the pain that you inspired in me; the loathing that you so rightly fueled, but -most importantly- it is the resignation from the hatred in my heart. Why, you ask? Simply because I have finally found that I cannot be fixed, because I was never broken.