letters to my past lovers

heres to every lover i ever had, or almost had.

dear lover,

 

-the first, the boy that sat in my language arts class that never said a word unless he had to. the boy that sat next to me in homeroom and gave me butterflies every single time i saw him walk in the door. i tried to speak to you but you see, ive never been one with words and i dont like embarrassing myself. we had our moments together, and i swear i held my breath through every single one. we stayed up late together, texting about dumb things in a group chat with our friends. you always seemed to just go along with things, even then you never said much. i never exactly had you to call my own, and i realize now that i loved you before i even knew what love meant. it wasnt until the next year when i realized it wasnt quite right. none of it went how i wanted it to, and so i moved on. our story didnt end there though. but for now ill say, i love you, and farewell.

 

-the next, you lived 200 miles away. i rarely ever saw you and yet i still fell in love with you. we texted day and night for about 4 months straight. i missed you more than anything on the planet. when i got to see you it felt as if everything was a little more right. we havent seen each other in three years. i still have your sweatshirt, and yes, it still fits. im sorry for that night if i ever hurt you. and thank you for still sticking around. i love you, and farewell.

 

-lovers three and four had many things in common. i was with you because i was hurt and i thought that your company would fix it. it didnt, only temporarily. in many ways you made my life a little worse, but its my fault for choosing to be with you. you both said awful things that hurt more than you could imagine, but time heals, and so i forgive you. i love you both, and farewell.

 

-the fifth, theres not much to say to you except that you didnt understand. you didnt understand how i felt when i was in big crowds and you were confused why i didnt eat or why i ran away from my friends. and it wasnt your fault that i left, i was unhappy and i had to fix myself before i hurt anyone else. i hope someday you understand that. even though youd rather pretend like we never happened, which is okay. i love you, and farewell.

 

-the sixth. you, you. i dont even know where to begin with you. i fell in love with who i thought was the best person ever. your hugs were so warm and you understood how i felt and you were there for me through everything. now ive come to learn that you are not a person, you are merely just a demon, a voice, a nightmare. i told you my secrets and let you kiss away the pain all while you were only getting what you wanted. you were feeding off of my light and soul and i thought it was love. i believed every word you said, i fed on your sentences and paragraphs as if i hadnt eaten in weeks all while you were just wrapping me around your finger. i remember the night so clearly, the night where you only wanted me and i believed that you really did want me but not in the way i had imagined. i remember the air smelled like your cologne and it was somewhat cold but i still wore shorts because i didnt feel like changing. and to you i seemed like a tool, i seemed like something you could just take without asking, i seemed like nothing but a good time. i remember i told you no and you still wanted more and it wasnt until i had to physically stop you that you would listen to me. im glad you never did anything more that night, but i still tear myself apart because of it, every single day. i feel filthy, unholy, impure. and i remember that i didnt sleep for probably 3 days after that night, i got rid of the clothes because i could stand them anymore, we have barely talked since. in short, you used me. but it was so much more than that. i am so glad to have gotten rid of you. im sorry, but i cant love you, farewell.

 

-the seventh, a girl, a beautiful girl that didnt deserve me at all because i hurt her so much. she was one of my first best friends after i moved here, and i later realized that it was more than just a platonic love for her. our love was the kind of cotton candy and sugar cookies. it was so sweet, but we never talked and that was our downfall. i never want to see you cry again. also i understand if you hate me, you have a right to. im still not sure why you tried to mess with me after i tried to back off, but im glad you chose to take your emotions out on me instead of anyone else. im so sorry for what i did to you. maybe someday youll be able to forgive me, but i understand if not. i love you, and farewell.

 

-and finally, the eighth. him. the first. the quiet boy from my language arts class. the boy who gave me butterflies from just a quick glance. finally, finally, i got you. youre mine. youre mine now and im never letting go. i waited 3 long years for you, and let me tell you it was so worth it. the day we started texting, was the first time you called me cute. i swear i couldnt stop smiling. you were there for me through the hardest times ive ever been through. you showed me how unique every single sunset is and the significance of a single song. you made me laugh from the most random things, like lettuce. whats the deal with lettuce? and my god, you are the most beautiful boy ive ever met. inside and out, youre an actual angel. your smile is so radiant and you light up every room you walk into and you can make me smile even when i cant feel anything. your hands are so warm, your eyes are so kind, youve led me to believe that you would never hurt me. i trust you. you gave me a reason to live and remind me every single day why i choose to wake up. my heart beats for you. you are the new perspective i have on life, you are the lyrics in a cheesy love song, you are good morning notes and late night rants, you are hot chocolate drinks at 1am, you are the ring on my middle finger, you are the love of my life, you are the angel i write about in my poems, you are love, you are warmth, you are light. and i love you, forevermore.

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