1. Peeing in public restrooms
I have never been
so paranoid.
At Starbucks I will check the lock three times
and even then
I might just have to hold it in.
2. Spiders
they’re just scary
as fuck. Like I don’t even have a good simile for how scary spiders are.
And I’m sorry in advance to all the Buddhists in the room—
I will kill one with my shoe. I won’t be sorry.
3. Pronouncing /spelling words wrong in front of very important people
4. My SAT scores are that of a dunce
I am thinking
Abrielle, how will you get ever into college with a score like that.
5. If I don’t lose weight soon, no one will want to love me
6. If I do somehow find love, I can barely be naked alone. How am I going to be naked with someone else?
At the Rocky Horror Picture Show last Saturday
I maneuvered myself so Brian never
had to touch my stomach.
Recoiled from his hands
Because, I am thinking, who wants to go to 2nd base with the fat girl?
Maybe if he only touches my lips
my stomach doesn’t exist.
I don’t want to be my body.
7. The feeling I get. It sometimes feels like I’m going to explode, and sometimes feels like I’m going to drown.
Adolescence is scraping at my throat and it’s like I can’t breathe.
I run with heavy feet. I am trying to find my lungs.
8. Gaining more weight
9. Getting up on stage to read a poem and being thought of as the fat girl
10. Writing this poem
11. Reading this poem
12. Raccoons
13. Telling my mom how unhappy I am
14. Melanoma
Isn’t everyone?
15. That my cousin will get to high school and hate it as much as I do
Kimberly, no matter what anyone says you are the coolest trombone-playing 13 year old I know.
Tug South High by its shirttail and show it what you’re made of.
I love that you don’t understand “that’s what she said” jokes.
16. Being so alone I won’t have anyone to help me put sunscreen on the places of my back that I can’t reach
Which makes the whole melanoma fear more prevalent.
17. They say if you don’t believe you are beautiful, no one else will.
I am trying.
18. That this poem sounds too whiney
I’m sorry if it does.. These are the things that scare me.
)