Llenita

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I feel so alone. Like if I leave this earth, no one will notice. Or maybe even care.

I feel stupid sometimes. So many people go through much harder things that what I am going through. But why am I only thinking of myself? Why am I so selfish?

I want to be myself. Speak my mind. I have to face it, the society we live in today, it will not happen. 

Yes. I do blame society. The reasons for my bad thoughts. My bad actions. The reasons I dont want to be here anymore.

I wake up every morning hating myself by the way I look because i'm not and most likely never look like one of those skinny models.

Constantly starving myself. Hating everyone who tells me I should eat. What am I doing to myself?  But I have to keep going because if not, I'll never be that size 0 beautiful.

Yes. I said it. Size 0 is beautiful, according to everyone nowadays.

Size 13. That's what defines me. And I'm constantly trying to change the definition of ME.

I've been called Fat, Chubby, ""llenita" (full in spanish), and several other words that hurt me. 

Everytime I hear those words, I lock myself in my room and cry. Cry and cry and cry. Open my eyes and see the make-up splattered on my pillow. The make-up I use to cover the face I dare not to show bare.

I guess it's just life but I know i'm not the only one who feels this way. I just hope one day this can all end and everyone can be happy by the way they look and feel good about themselves. 

 

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