I am like a hand grenade.
Come one step too close and I pull the tab.
I don't trust anyone to keep me safe.
I'd much rather be the one to destroy myself.
Yes, I am like a suicide bomber.
But, not because I want to die.
Rather because I don't want to be killed.
I can't go through pain from others anymore.
I need to control it,
I need to control everything.
If you truly love me,
Then you'll have to prove it to me.
The more I start to care for you,
The more I'll try to push you away.
You need to know this,
But I won't tell you.
Because I can't trust you,
Even though I desperately want to.
I can't have you trick me,
I can't let myself believe you'll stay.
I'll continuously push you to your breaking point,
And see what your response is.
I won't feel bad,
But I will push that aside,
Just like everything else.
I don't care
as long as
I don't get hurt again.
If you're going to leave, then
It's as simple as that.
If you want to try
to "prove" to me
that there's no point to these tactics,
for my defence system,
then you should be a thousand percent fucking sure
you won't get past them
and then walk away just because
you got through the wall.
I can't love.
It gives me anxiety.
It makes me feel like I'll die alone.
It makes me want to avoid everyone forever.
I don't even want to try.
I will only try if you do.
I won't contact you first.
I will act like I don't care.
I will ignore you.
I will try to make you hate me.
To be mad at me.
I'd rather you dislike me
because I'm awful,
then to be me,
and have you leave anyways because
I'm not enough,
not what you want.