Losing Myself In Him
I knew I was yours the moment you said kiss me
The words hadn't even fully left your mouth and I was already there
My mind hadn't even registered what you said
There was just this look in your eyes and I knew where I had to be
All I had to do was follow the place where my heart was guiding me
This tug that pulled me close to you with every other beat
I never even had the time to think
The world disappears every time we are near
And all it does is make it easier for me to fall into you
And the best part is
You'd think because we were moving so fast I'd just crash into you
But your lips gave me the most gentle landing
They were just as soft as I remembered them to be
And it left me wishing that I had took a little longer to fall
So that more time with you would be possible
It’s been fifteen minutes
and my heart is still beating
at the same rate it was
when you first kissed me
I don't think it's ever going to stop
Sixteen minutes
And I can still feel
The ghost of your teeth
Briefly making their claim on me
Seventeen and I'm still thinking of you
I would keep counting but I don't think I'm going to stop anytime soon
Fifty years could pass and I'd still feel the way that you held me
So tight in your arms like you'd never let me go
I remember once I told you
I said You make me feel like I'm walking on a precipice
The entire time I'm wondering what I'm doing here
There's a voice in my head telling me to take the steps back to safety
it’s the rational thing to do.
But being on the edge is exhilarating, It brings me closer to you
and the longer I stay here the more I'm tempted to take the fall
I remember you told me to do what made me happy
And I've always been drawn towards adventure
So I closed my eyes and have been floating ever since
When I jumped I thought I'd be falling
Sinking deeper into my feelings for you
But you caught me and we've been drifting
A free fall
A joy ride
This is forever now
You fit into me just right
One arm wrapped in the crook of my neck
The other draped lightly across my breasts
Fingers
Dancing
Drifting downwards
Not exploring just
Tracing a path on my skin
I can feel you behind me
Nudging and smiling
At how even now you seem to be unsatisfied
But you don't persist
Instead you press your knees into mine and further entangle our legs
My flesh against yours
So close together yet
You pull me in closer
I can feel your breath on my ear
Hear you whisper
I love you
When you think that I've drifted off to sleep
I fit into you just right
Curled up in your arms
So safe that I don't ever want to leave
I whisper
I love you too
You're the man of my dreams
My feelings are hurt
It feels like such an infantile thing to think to myself but
it's even worse when it's 10:58 and I'm lying in bed thinking about how lonely I feel
And it’s midnight where you are and you're not even thinking about me
And I'm under my blankets but there's no comfort to be found
It took me two hours to even figure out my emotions
Now I'm crying cuddled up next to these damned pillows
Wishing I could go back to being just angry
A self righteous how dare he surely would do the trick right now
Instead I'm lost with my thoughts
Wondering if I'll only ever be a pretty face
It just keeps on coming back to me repeatedly
Hello... Static...
Baby... I... Cant
Crackle..
Tears
Ragged breathing
Can you.. Hear me....?
Click.
Inhale
Call back... Ringing
I feel...
Hello?
Did you hang up?
Disconnected
I didn't mean to make you upset...
Baby...?
I'm sorry.
Sorry? It Echoes
Talking to myself again..
You know you're my only friend.
I whisper.. no one's listening
Is someone on the other end?
Lonely.
Crying in an empty room
I'll call you back soon..
I remember when there were days you had me convinced that I was
Your
Entire
World
And now I know I'm fooling myself to think I even cross your mind once a day
I remember when there was no one who could tell me that I wasn't your girl
And now...
I'm stupid... Im foolish... Im useless… Im nothing... But Im yours
And I don't want to be
I'd do anything to be free
But you're in my head and I don't know what to do without it
I just wish things were the way they used to be
I wish I could make you care for me
Somebody stole my heart
I mean they really ripped it out
And now it's been torn into tiny pieces
of that I have no doubt
I didn't think it'd hurt this deeply
Never thought I'd feel so empty
So why is it that I still find myself loving you
Forcing myself to feel... Everything
Even though I'm drowning in the pain of it
Consumed by memories of what we used to be
All of what you still mean to me
And you don't seem to feel a damn thing
Just annoyance
And pity
On my worst days Regret
But I'm stuck begging for your attention
Jealous of the girls I see you with
We talked for the first time again today
And I was reminded of every reason why
Why I left him
Why I loved him
Why I cared
Every answer for which I found clear as day in his smile
We said we were going to take it slow
But as he leaned in to kiss me
All that I could see was a road
That lead straight to history repeating itself
I know I'm too strong for that
I knew I wouldn't give in
But that's how I let myself get so close in the first place
I think that maybe he and I need a little more distance
Because today I could see myself slipping into the ways of the old
And falling in love with him all over again
And that's a dangerous game I'm not willing to play
There is a piece of me that is conflicted
With the part of me that knows I'm right
One side keeps my spirits lifted
The other is constantly ready to fight
As the mediators of this battle
My mind has united with my heart
Formed a treaty in their bond
To not feel guilty for the wrongs that I have done
From now on the past belongs to the dead
I refuse to be haunted by those ghosts
I was shackled in chains that stopped me from moving ahead
The key to my freedom was forgiving myself