Losing Myself In Him

 

I knew I was yours the moment you said kiss me

The words hadn't even fully left your mouth and I was already there

My mind hadn't even registered what you said

There was just this look in your eyes and I knew where I had to be

All I had to do was follow the place where my heart was guiding me

This tug that pulled me close to you with every other beat

I never even had the time to think

The world disappears every time we are near

And all it does is make it easier for me to fall into you

And the best part is

You'd think because we were moving so fast I'd just crash into you

But your lips gave me the most gentle landing

They were just as soft as I remembered them to be

And it left me wishing that I had took a little longer to fall

So that more time with you would be possible

 

It’s been fifteen minutes

and my heart is still beating

at the same rate it was

when you first kissed me

I don't think it's ever going to stop

Sixteen minutes

And I can still feel

The ghost of your teeth

Briefly making their claim on me

Seventeen and I'm still thinking of you

I would keep counting but I don't think I'm going to stop anytime soon

Fifty years could pass and I'd still feel the way that you held me

So tight in your arms like you'd never let me go

I remember once I told you

I said You make me feel like I'm walking on a precipice

The entire time I'm wondering what I'm doing here

There's a voice in my head telling me to take the steps back to safety

it’s the rational thing to do.

But being on the edge is exhilarating, It brings me closer to you

and the longer I stay here the more I'm tempted to take the fall

I remember you told me to do what made me happy

And I've always been drawn towards adventure

So I closed my eyes and have been floating ever since

When I jumped I thought I'd be falling

Sinking deeper into my feelings for you

But you caught me and we've been drifting  

A free fall

A joy ride

This is forever now

 

You fit into me just right

One arm wrapped in the crook of my neck

The other draped lightly across my breasts

Fingers

Dancing

Drifting downwards

Not exploring just

Tracing a path on my skin

I can feel you behind me

Nudging and smiling

At how even now you seem to be unsatisfied

But you don't persist

Instead you press your knees into mine and further entangle our legs

My flesh against yours

So close together yet

You pull me in closer

I can feel your breath on my ear

Hear you whisper

I love you

When you think that I've drifted off to sleep

I fit into you just right

Curled up in your arms

So safe that I don't ever want to leave

I whisper

I love you too

You're the man of my dreams

 

My feelings are hurt

It feels like such an infantile thing to think to myself but

it's even worse when it's 10:58 and I'm lying in bed thinking about how lonely I feel

And it’s midnight where you are and you're not even thinking about me

And I'm under my blankets but there's no comfort to be found

It took me two hours to even figure out my emotions

Now I'm crying cuddled up next to these damned pillows

Wishing I could go back to being just angry

A self righteous how dare he surely would do the trick right now

Instead I'm lost with my thoughts

Wondering if I'll only ever be a pretty face  

It just keeps on coming back to me repeatedly

 

Hello... Static...

Baby... I... Cant

Crackle..

Tears

Ragged breathing

Can you.. Hear me....?

Click.

Inhale

Call back... Ringing

I feel...

Hello?

Did you hang up?

Disconnected

I didn't mean to make you upset...

Baby...?

I'm sorry.

Sorry? It Echoes

Talking to myself again..

You know you're my only friend.

I whisper.. no one's listening

Is someone on the other end?

Lonely.

Crying in an empty room

I'll call you back soon..

 

I remember when there were days you had me convinced that I was

Your

Entire

World

And now I know I'm fooling myself to think I even cross your mind once a day

I remember when there was no one who could tell me that I wasn't your girl

And now...

I'm stupid... Im foolish... Im useless… Im nothing... But Im yours

And I don't want to be

I'd do anything to be free

But you're in my head and I don't know what to do without it

I just wish things were the way they used to be

I wish I could make you care for me

 

Somebody stole my heart

I mean they really ripped it out

And now it's been torn into tiny pieces

of that I have no doubt

I didn't think it'd hurt this deeply

Never thought I'd feel so empty

So why is it that I still find myself loving you

Forcing myself to feel... Everything

Even though I'm drowning in the pain of it

Consumed by memories of what we used to be

All of what you still mean to me

And you don't seem to feel a damn thing

Just annoyance

And pity

On my worst days Regret

But I'm stuck begging for your attention

Jealous of the girls I see you with

 

We talked for the first time again today

And I was reminded of every reason why

Why I left him

Why I loved him

Why I cared

Every answer for which I found clear as day in his smile

We said we were going to take it slow

But as he leaned in to kiss me

All that I could see was a road

That lead straight to history repeating itself  

I know I'm too strong for that

I knew I wouldn't give in

But that's how I let myself get so close in the first place

I think that maybe he and I need a little more distance

Because today I could see myself slipping into the ways of the old

And falling in love with him all over again

And that's a dangerous game I'm not willing to play

 

There is a piece of me that is conflicted

With the part of me that knows I'm right

One side keeps my spirits lifted

The other is constantly ready to fight

As the mediators of this battle

My mind has united with my heart

Formed a treaty in their bond

To not feel guilty for the wrongs that I have done

From now on the past belongs to the dead

I refuse to be haunted by those ghosts

I was shackled in chains that stopped me from moving ahead

The key to my freedom was forgiving myself

 

Poetry Slam: 
This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741