losing sleep

i’ve been losing sleep

falling victim to lengthy nights and lonely mornings

spent with heavy lids

and blistering, heated tears

falling unpredictably like midsummer raindrops

my vacant eyes, lost the picture they use to hold

the world now not worth a second glance

my bitten and chipped nails

sinking into my numb skin and heavy bones

while each thought comes like a rip tide

causing waves of emotion and

currents of depression

leaving my mind paralyzed

but never enough

to forget you

 

my bed is biting and bare

lost without your pleasant presence

old, childhood blankets and patched, stuffed bears

sit on the edge of the bed

in a petty attempt to replace you

echos of your soft, fragile smile

drawn on your face

while you dreamed about me

and your comforting hands

wrapped around me

of our weightless limbs knotted together

and mornings where fingers skimmed skin

possessively writing your name all over me

taunt me while I grasp

my soft pillow

your name always on the edge of my stained lips

 

sometimes

my bare feet

pad across the chill living room tiles

while i’m dressed in your abandoned hoodie

that hasn’t seen the washing machine since you left

stumbling into forgotten furniture

i’ll reach for your crumpled letters

littered and lost on the broken coffee table

a ghost of what we had

mercilessly haunting me

the room only lighted by streetlights

leaking through the closed curtains

a reserved silence in the depressed night

for the those poor, pathetic souls

up late enough

to mourn over something lost

 

i replay your voicemails

and reread your letters

each night a new landscape

to navigate and remember:

our first date

where you bit your lip too much

and extended me a sweaty palm

our first kiss

where you asked if you could

and held my face

my eyes trained on your bitten, pink lips

our first dance

where you showed me off to everyone in the room

where your eyes took

most of my covered secrets

arm secured around my waist

when you moved in

your things overflowing out of

brown boxes set behind my couch

your trinkets littered around my, no,

our

apartment

until you just claimed my things as yours

when you showed me off to your friends

and sung my name

they teased you for being so enamored

and i can still hear your voice ringing in my ears

when you kissed me without warning

no notice, just your lips on mine

and those were always the sweetest

now i still feel late kisses

burning my raw lips

each memory

scratched and etched forever into my mind

 

it was sudden

i had no warning

it was like a gun going off

in a sunday church service

 

you don’t call

and you don’t respond to my text messages

and you probably aren’t losing sleep

and you probably don’t relive the moments we shared

and you probably don’t think about me

 

but god forbid

that maybe you do care

that maybe you do think about us

or maybe you relive those memories

that you lose sleep

like i lost you

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