Love That Kills

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Wow. Life hits you hard. I try to avoid the feelings, I try to avoid the blatant truth in front of me, yet the more I think about it the more consumed I am by the pain. It wasn’t like I tried, because I didn’t. Not once did I make him feel worthy. My friends say not to put all the blame on myself, but the truth is I was cold. I was nonchalant. BUT most of all I was heartless. He was the best for me, but I used him and disposed of him like a used rag. It pained me to see what I just saw moments ago. It did. It was incontrovertible. Yes, the obvious thoughts came to mind; it was all too unbelievable. I always knew I had him at the grip of my hand. He was just there. It never occurred to me that he could one day slip away from me slowly and slowly. It was the aftermath that struck me the most, for in my mind I saw it coming, but not with her. With someone else. I guess it was a relief. He wasn’t alongside the person I always supposed he would be with. Both of us lost sight of the small glimpse of hope of being with him. It was relief because I knew he hadn’t succumbed to her needs and instead found someone, someone far from the depths that we both shared. It was crazy to think that we were one, just two months ago. We were two souls trapped in this world that longed for warmth, care, and affection. That’s how it all started. I never thought of him of any more before that night. We were just two bodies consumed and drowned by the intoxication. Intoxication that caused me pain that I only let him see once and never told him why. All I needed was a hug at that moment. And now that’s all I want from him. Not because I want him back, but because I want to make sure that everything is going to be okay. I don’t want to necessarily forget, but I want to think that we were both happy. That we both shared something that I never shared with anyone else. It was intimate. It was incarnate. And now… we are as close as I never let him be to me. My pride was more than I could handle and it withered away what I didn’t think mattered. I guess it goes to show that I actually connect with the author of the famous saying, “we never know what we have until we lose it.” Yes, it pains like a hot coal on fire burning my flesh, but in time I know that it will heal, like wounds that were never meant to be open.

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