Mama

Mama once told me

“You’ll never find love

If you can’t love yourself.”

Maybe try to look like you care.”

She left me in the bathroom

Crying while I brushed my hair out.

Mama said to me,

“Don’t cry,

Your face will get red and ugly.

You don’t want anyone to know

Something is wrong.”

Mama never loved me,

Not the way a Mama should.

She ignored me

When I asked for help.

She denied me

When I begged for acceptance.

I was a slave to my family

Because my Mama was never there.

I’d come home with bruises

That weren’t from school

But Mama closed her eyes

So she wouldn’t have to see.

And I’d scream at her

The truth of what life was,

How much it all hurt,

How crazy I was inside.

But Mama plugged her ears

So she wouldn’t have to hear it.

But Mama never shut her mouth,

Her mouth with teeth of knives

And a tongue of fire

Swallowing me with every word

She spoke against my name.

Mama condemned me,

Mama abandoned me,

Mama broke my heart

Before any boy ever had the chance.

Mama is an ugly word

Because of the face behind it.

We’re supposed to love and respect our parents,

But Mama forgot me,

Mama ignored me,

When Mama’s new boyfriend

Started to hit me

Mama took his side of the fight.

I wish I could hate you, Mama.

But I don’t have the energy

Because you took all that from me too.

Mama, I’m empty,

There is nothing inside me.

I have never been so hollow,

Not even when I wouldn’t eat for weeks.

Mama, I am tired.

Mama, I am sad.

Mama, I am everything

You turned me into.

I took your weakness

And let it envelop me

Until it nearly became a warm blanket

Cuddling me into its darkness.

Mama you shaped me,

Put your hands into

The soft clay of my personality

And began to mold me,

But left me out to dry

Halfway through.

And for some reason

You threw me into the kiln

Making it impossible

For anyone else to take water

And soften me again.

My shape cannot change

Without becoming broken glass,

And Mama,

You’ve dropped me enough times

The cracks are starting to show through.

When will you understand

That I am not just an object, Mama?

I used to be a person.

I used to think for myself but

Now I am controlled by

Memories and nightmares,

Fear, loss, and the words

That echoed from your own throat!

Mama never called me pretty,

Mama never was proud of me,

Mama wrote me off before

I even had a chance to be her baby…

I’m still angry with you Mama!

You made me breathe

And yet you took away life.

I didn’t ask to exist,

And yet you ask me to thank you

For delivering me into Hell!

Mama, how do I forgive you

When I can’t forgive myself?

Somehow you manage to voice

All my insecurities,

Tell me everything I always thought

But never had the lungs to say.

I know I abandoned my sister, Mama,

But I had to get out of that house.

I know I’m all screwed up, Mama,

But at least I can say that I tried!

I’m sorry I’m not good enough,

I didn’t know what else to do.

But I’m scared to look in the mirror, Mama,

Because all I see is you.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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