the me that no one knows
Location
there are a lot of people
in this world.
there are ones who are genuine,
ones who are fake.
ones who were planned,
ones who were a mistake.
happy,
sad, carefree,
scared,
ones who wish
that someone cared.
the people you see,
the people you know, but
what about those who put
on a show?
each of us deals in
a different way.
singing, dancing, writing, typing.
screaming, drawing, rapping, talking.
scratching, cutting, biting, tearing.
slicing, crying, dying, trying.
so many different ways
I know,
so many different ways
to show.
as for me,
no one knows.
the person
I was
I am
I will be.
the girl that I've always hidden
the real
true me.
each morning I wake,
I wish it not
to be true
nothing more can I do.
I get ready,
I plaster on a smile.
I hope it holds.
at least
for a while.
I slip through the day,
laughing,
free.
at least to those around me.
they don't hear my thoughts.
they can’t see my dreams.
by the end of the day
I want
to shout, to scream, to cry,
to just get out.
finally home, the real me seeks
her release.
I walk upstairs into my room,
shut the door gently, lock it too.
sometimes I don't even
know why.
I want so badly to sit alone, to cry,
to die.
with each new slice I go
a little deeper,
cry
a little harder,
but never louder.
I am already
too loud.
someone might hear.
no one
can hear me.
I must stay alone.
these words become
who I am.
a new one added each day,
a new word for me to portray.
ugly. nerd.
alone. bitch. freak.
awkward. whore. broken. fag.
annoying. useless. plain. worthless. failure.
the words that define me.
as the delicate hand knocks
on my door,
slide the blade across skin
once more.
the danger and risk
of knowing,
one false slip and
then I'm going.
to have that much control,
a feeling I love.
to know that one simple slip, and
I could let go.
but then the knock comes again,
my escape must come
to an end.
the smile comes back
for the evening.
here once more.
slowly open my bedroom door.
the happiness shows,
my smile glows,
no one would ever know,
the me that I
become behind
that locked up door.
I can't wait for the day,
everything finally fades away.
raine, raine. go away. don’t come back
another day.
the taunting chant rings
in my ears. memories from
younger years.
but a new one forms,
hides my fears.
rain, rain.
come and stay.
hide these tears
I shed today.
wash away my pain,
my sadness.
fill my heart with peace,
with gladness.
if only it were
that easy
one small slip, and
everything's gone,
but is it really gone?
or is that when
the real happiness
finally comes?
I'm tired of drowning.
I'm tired of crying
of breaking
of hurting.
I'm tired
of screaming
for help,
while my voice is on mute.
this exhaustion,
I feel,
I could fix,
if only I could go away.
just for a little while.
or maybe just
forever.
close my eyes,
try to sleep.
a nightmare,
or two,
or three.
then I wake up
and repeat.
and by now you're probably thinking,
"this is her goodbye."
that's not true.
in fact,
it's quite the opposite.
this is not my goodbye.
it is my hello.
hello from the me
that no one knows.