What if I don’t feel strongly about anything involving words

This is my consciousness

My brother is coming home

I hope

I don’t want to be alone

Meaninglessness means nothing

It’s a contradiction to assert that everything is meaningless

Why should meaninglessness be more meaningful than meaningfulness

Anything but I don’t know

You know what

fuck it

I say what comes to mind

But what if my thoughts aren’t this slow

What if an idea isn’t a line of words but a surge of emotions

How do I do that God?

Why do I feel like I’m always talking to you now?

God is good, I hope.

I hope I have a choice.

A choice to avoid that dark spot in my mind and think of happy thoughts

You gotta do more happy things or there will be no more of’em

My sister comes to mind

I love her.

I would die for her.

I think.

Now I’m entering a crisis feeling bad about myself.

Questioning whether I would jump in front of a train for someone I say I love.

But when it comes down to it I have a feeling I wouldn’t do nothing.

Given my track record I’m registered as pussy.

Never getting out of my comfort zone to do something I believe in.

I want to say that all that shit is about to change but I’ve said it so many times before.

To no change.

How can I climb out of myself, out of years of training to be the shit that I am today.

Who am I even?

Am I the person I am or the person I want to be?

Am I the person that does what he does or the thoughts that never expose themselves?

Sometimes I feel like the answer is that I am more than one thing.

Why is everything always about me?