Mothers

you told me that you wanted me to go ahead and kill myself already because it was too much of a burden for you to deal with me

As a teenager I wanted to die because of the shit you put me through

I remember how you would ignore me when I would come home from school and how my tears not only didn’t matter, they were something for me to be shameful for

I can’t cry because you forced me into feeling shameful when I feel sad or angry

I had to go to my room if I wanted to cry or yell because you didn’t want to deal with me

my anger and sadness was too much for you to handle, probably because you reject your own feelings

I know you reject me because you reject yourself

I was always rejected by you, even now

You walk right past me without speaking, meandering about carefully purposefully, without bumping into me 

ignoring me blatantly

What kind of mother tells there daughter to go ahead and kill themselves already?

I can remember you grabbing me by the wrist and telling me it’s down the street, not across

That if I’m going to do something, to do it right

What kind of mother tells her daughters girlfriend, that maybe if she hit her that the daughter would probably stay?

What kind of mother refuses to speak to her daughter because she didn’t like the way her daughter felt?

Oh, right. 

Mine.

You can’t really call that much of a mother though.

Being a mother means

not treating your child as an extension of yourself

it means, listening and genuinely caring for your child’s well being

it means, being the person your child can turn to, especially when everyone else has turned their backs

even when you’re mad

even when you’re sad

even when you hate yourself

even when you don’t have the time

even when you don’t have the energy

being a mother means sacrifice

it also means love

Loving  someone enough to give up certain things

and showing them all the ways in which they are appreciated

and that they have the knowledge

the power

the beauty

everything they need to succeed

a mother does not cut her child down

or make her feel worthless

a mother is proud of her daughter, not jealous

a mother doesn’t smirk in a show of dominance, a fake conversation

a fake “conversation”

pretending to listen

pretending to care

pretending like you’re daughter doesn’t care about you

because of course, everything revolves around the mother

everything must go her way

everyone must be happy with the mother

and must think her beautiful

everyone should feel like shit when the mother feels like shit

I’m going to make a great mother one day, you taught me everything a mother shouldn’t be

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