My Baby, No

Mama, there's something in my mind,

something dark, something unwanted

It writhes in the middle of the night

when I'm alone and you're asleep,

It kicks. I can feel it kick.

and I don't want it

 

I think he gave it to me--

He planted this seed of self-doubt inside me

And as it grows, I remember sister warned me

She told me he was no good but I didn't listen

I didn't listen, Mama, and look where it got me!

Is it too dangerous now to leap into the thrashing waves

for an abortion of relationship?

 

You say I was never a loud baby,

never demanding. I didn't cry much

But in this past year, I've made up for it.

I don't want to think of him so much, Mama, it hurts

And my tears may be silent and stifled now

But I ask that you cradle me in your arms and don't let me go

even when I push you away

I stop needing you when the clouds part a little

But Dad's screaming disappointment carries best through the storms

I need you to help me make him understand

 

I can't tell you enough how much I love you

I'm tumbling along around the circumference of the earth

and every bump cracks me further, but,

if not for your sweet murmur swaddle holding me together

I would be shattered by now

 

I write this, cocooned in your tattered quilt and

my mournful love songs that bring me back to last November

Every day gets closer to his birthday and farther from mine,

The misery he gave me has been gestating in my head and

The morning sickness is too much

the noon sickness and the afternoon sickness and the night sickness

and the homesickness are too much

How can I go back to where I was before I slept with thoughts of him?

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