to my best friend

to my best friend,

call it whatever you want

whatever this was

it was us

two stubborn teens stuck

in this cycle

going back and forth

destroying each other

 

we were always together

but never in the same place

always on different pages of the same book

not wanting to read one another’s

 

we just thought different things

and you can’t blame me for not thinking the same way as you

but you can shame me for the way I acted

it wasn’t fair to you

and i understand that

 

but you were my best friend first

and I thought that meant more

thought our friendship was worth more

but i guess it wasn’t

because you protected your ego

before you protected what we had

 

i’m not saying that this was all your fault

because I know i didn’t make it easy for you

and though you wouldn’t believe it

i’m actually really sorry

that i acted the way i did

 

you knew me better than most

and you always thought you cared more than i did

or that i just didn’t care

but you were wrong

I cared way more than you thought

and now it’s like you don’t care at all

 

we were both to blame for this

we never said the things that needed to be said

we’d avoid them until they were gone

how could two people who talked all the time

be so incapable of communication

 

we couldn’t figure it out

because i think we cared more about our prides

than we cared about each other

in this constant cycle of trying to make the other feel bad

just trying to get a reaction

and whoever broke first lost

 

i pushed you away when you got too close

when i was too scared of what could happen

and you pushed me away when I needed you the most

when you were too tired of me

you’d try remove me from your mind

while i’d try remove you from my life

 

I know you only did what you did

because of the things i did

and it’s not what we wanted

but we did it anyways

because we had ourselves convinced that it worked

at least i did

 

and it did work

for awhile

it wasn’t healthy

but at least we stayed in each other’s lives

 

and it didn’t work this time

because I pushed you away

and you never came back

you usually came back

and now i’m left wanting my best friend

and you’re not there

 

we were never together they way you wanted

and now it’s as if we’re nothing at all

i didn’t want more

but now i don’t even have a choice

our friends rooted for us

but maybe we aren’t as perfect for each other as they thought

maybe we’re terrible for each other

but that doesn’t mean we should stop speaking

that’s not what i want

I hope it’s not what you want

because I miss you

and despite everything that’s happened

you were my best friend first

and i want you to be

my best friend always

 

sincerely

 

janiece

 

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