to my best friend

To my best friend, 

I am sorry.  You were starry eyed and I kept trying to hide in my own darkness.  I never allowed myself and my feelings to fully comprehend who you were to me.  You watched me enter a relationship that would hurt me over and over and over again.  But the worst part was that not only did you have to watch the hurt unfold, but you tried to warn me.  You reminded me of who I was and that I deserved more, that I deserved the grand gestures and unending loyalty.  I deserved to trust someone fully.  I deserved to give my heart to someone who would carefully wrap it up and put it next to their own, making it their duty to protect it and treat it as the best gift that they could ever receive, knowing that they had given be their heart the moment our eyes met and corners of our mouths tugged upwards in the kindergarten hallway.  All while knowing that you were the only person who could love me like you thought I deserved.  For that  I will always love you, even more than I was capable of at 16. 

Thank you.  I have never felt more completely loved than I did by you.  You saw who I was from the age of 5 to 16 in conjunction with who I am going to be and embraced me with arms wide and heart opened.  You did not give up on me when I turned your movie invitation down in sixth grade or when I wore braces and glasses and had a silly haircut.  I did not think that you ever would give up on me.  But watching me return to the same painful relationship where my heart was shattered daily at the sinking feeling that I would never be enough wore you down.  You wanted more for me.  But when I did not realize that there was better in store for me, you realized you had to stop torturing yourself and so you released me.  When you were hugging me goodbye, I thought it was a simple parting for fall break, but you knew otherwise.  You believed in a love that lets go.  It hurt when you did not talk to me for those months, but now, even though we are friends again, the pain is more stinging.  I experienced great love and I ignored it.  You are the good in the world.  Thank you for being who you are.  

So now, as you have settled with your Mrs. Right Now, I pray that you know how perfect you are to me and that I pray that I become someone willing of your love for me; someone who falls in love with her best friend, forever.

Love always,


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