My Many Monsters

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A lot of monsters roll my way;It’s really hard to make them go away.

They taunt and laugh in my face;While I try to walk my steady pace.

Tell me that I’m never gone make it to the top, success isn’t my path.

Because I’m to big, I’m not skinny enough;My face isn’t smooth enough, or my pockets aren’t full enough.

Remember when I wanted to tryout for the volleyball team?You wouldn’t let me,You told me that I wouldn’t make it;Because I’m not the right shape, I don’t look the same as everybody else on the team.That I wouldn’t look right in the uniform.

Or remember when I was supposed to sing in front of all those people?In my heart I could feel that it was right for me,But here you come stepping on it,Saying you’re not pretty enough to go out there in front of all them people.Everybody is going to laugh once you step out on the stage,Because your voice isn’t going to mean a thing to them.

Now everyone around me is disappointed in me,Because they know I got the potential, but I never take the opportunity.

Ask me why I feel this way,All I say is “just look at me!”You’ve been on my case since I could think on my own.

Yes, I let you control every bit of my life and I really don’t know why...

Then here comes the fussing and fighting with my mom.

This monster came about just a year ago.

Look!

I know what I’m doing is a sin & is wrong with God.

But I really can’t help it,It’s been apart of me before I even told you.

Now I wish I never opened my mouth and just kept it a secret.

You make it harder for me and make me want to just disappear.

Moma, I'm a lesbian.

Everyday I replay what you said to me“Whenever you turn back to my normal daughter, I will be happy.”

It bothers me because it has been said so many times,And you’re really saying that I make you unhappy.

How am I to handle that on the daily basis?

Now you want to make me feel like everything is back to where it use to be.

When it’s not and never will be, you said it yourself.

All of this causes me to stress and do badly in school,This contributes back to monster number one.

Now I know you’re probably tired of listening to my story about the bad things.

But those two monsters have made me who I am,Evil-minded and always being rude.

But it has become something permanent & uneasy to remove.

Now I just want to be alone and be by myself.

Away from that place I call home.

I just want to be in a place where I feel happy.

Where my negativity isn’t allowed and discrimination isn’t heard of. 

It's been two years now, and a new monster has grown.

You follow me literally everywhere I go.

You come from every way .. School , Home , Work , Anywhere ..It's like a game to you.

And I REFUSE to let you win.

I ask you everyday, "Why ? Why can't I just be happy?"

I'm still struggling with this battle.

The battle of overcoming depression, and dropping all this stress.

Nothing , and I'm telling you now NOTHING will make me give up.

I keep telling myself "Hold on mama, you only got one more year"...

But, in my head I just wanna fight you til your dead.

Why are you strong?

What have I ever done to you?

I still haven't found the answer.

You've grown from something I use to knock off my shoulder,To thing big rock, or maybe a rain cloud.

You constantly creep into my mind.

I try so hard to shake you,But you just won't leave.

From every once in a while 'til 24/7.

You have your fun now, but I PROMISE ..I WON'T LOSE ..

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