To My Before Me

To my before me,

I miss you terribly

The naivety you had

the light that bestowed upon your eyes

How you looked at the world as something to explore

Not as something to fight

The way your eyes glistened at the thought of growing up

How you escaped to the books in your hands

The ones that shielded you from the real

How you had hope for love

For happiness

How you had purpose

 

I am so sorry

I have forsaken you

Threw away what you taught me

How you gave me your world

And I left it in the middle of the road

 

I am sorry I forced you to see the truth

How I didn't let you hide

I thought I prepared you

I didnt 

It was too late when I realized

I should have realized

My ignorance blinded me

My job way to protect you

I broke it

 

Slowly your fire broke into pieces

More like candle

flickering in silence

scared to breathe

You lost yourself

And turned towards the only thing you knew

Yourself

Shut yourself off from everyone

Built up an impenetrable facade

hollowed out

became a shell

No one will ever break through

And no one can break out

Voluntarily stuck

 

You threw yourself into studying

Couldn't be bothered with emotion

Threw out care

Became reckless

impulsive

Days and weeks past

it all became muddled

Bad decision after another

Darkness truly consumed you

And somehow along the way you became me

We morphed and spilt and died all in one

 

It became worse

Cold, impenetrable

Unforgiving, angry

The world made you bitter

And as much as you accepted ito

you couldnt change

couldnt seem to let anyone in

Still stand behind your wall

And you see it as security

You don't see the bars

How the cage has trapped you

Blinding you from happiness

Tricked you into believing you deserve less

Or that you deserve nothing at all

 

Oh how the mighty have fallen

You have continued to fight

But you don't want to leave

It is a safe place

Gives you comfort

Something you can call home

The good scares you

It's always been a trap

How do you trust a system

When it has hurt you every time

Without fail

How do you jump

When you can’t even trust yourself

When you question everything

And nothing is taken for face value

 

You were so scared of being used

You didn't notice it was already occurring

How your friends

Took what you gave

twisted it

And started a fight

You were so powerless

So stunned

You couldn't have possibly prepared

Your very own brutus

Revealed a deep fault

Stabbed you and made you hold the knife

Said you did it to yourself

You shouldn't expect anything less

That is what you deserved

 

And oh how you believed it

took in the information

And then shut the doors once again

Turned to things that harm

Cut it all away

Drank it all away

Smoked it all away

Can't face something when you can't comprehend it

Shut out life

gave in

 

I am so sorry for opening the door

For giving you false hope

For telling you all you could achieve

And ripping it all away

For hope

I misguiding you

And how I lied

to us both

You deserved so much more

And I couldn't give it to you

And I am forever so sorry

 

I am so thankful

The foundation you gave me was concrete

The tough skin I developed

Was all because of you

I gained a sharp tongue

And a wicked sense of humor

My determination drives me

And my curiosity sustains me

You gave me tools to light the darkness

Even when they become incredible dull

I know i am not alone because of you

 

I am forever in your debt

It is because of you

That I am me

 

From my after me

 

This poem is about: 
Me
Our world

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