My Personal Curtain

Fri, 11/28/2014 - 05:05 -- Caitlyn

From a tender age we are told

Whether it be by a parent, teacher or other mentor

“Be yourself”

Like it’s the simplest thing in the world

But even if it should be

It’s not

I can’t count the number of times my dad has quoted Shakespeare at me,

“To thine own self be true”

Yeah, I’ve tried being myself

And my reward?

Ridicule!  Constant ridicule!

I was myself in grade school, believing it was perfectly fine

And you know what?

My peers started giving me funny looks!

The insults they spouted behind my back came back to me

Stupid, retarded, weird

And it only got worse in middle school

No matter what my family said, what my friends said,

The insults kept raining down

And the worst part?

I started to believe them

I would do anything to stop them

But how could they, if they were only speaking the truth

That I was a stupid freak

I had to change, or at least fake it

Make it look like I wasn’t a stupid freak

Being myself wasn’t bringing me acceptance

Maybe acting “normal” would

That’s why I hid behind my own personal curtain for so long

I revealed my true self, and I was made fun of

I tried hiding to stop the taunts

I was anxious all the time

I sank into a depression in high school

Feeling like no one would ever love me for who I was

That depression only started to fade when I started to show my true self

But even now

After finding friends who like the real me

And a boyfriend who loves the real me

After finally starting to feel happy

Like it’s okay to be me

I’m still reluctant to pull the curtain back completely

The wounds left behind by my elementary school peers

Still linger

Better, but not completely healed

I’m still afraid

Afraid to show the real me

Afraid to be laughed at

Afraid to get hurt again

I still hide

No matter how many times I tell myself

That it’s okay to come out from hiding

I still hide just a little bit

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741