My scary pain of the unknown

What if it's cancer?
What if it's cancer with no cure?
The pain comes and goes
The pressure is constant
At first it was like a ball was at the base of my spine
I couldn't get comfortable to sleep
Then it slowly got worse
The pressure is so immense now
It feels like someone is gripping my spine and wrapping their hands around it squeezing and squeezing
Never letting go
What if it never goes away?
What if I die
I laugh when I am scared
I laugh when I am nervous
I laugh so no one will know that I am scared and afraid
It's how I keep fighting
I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable
My internal clock is broken because I can't sleep my usual schedule
What if I lose my job because of my sleep loss
What if I can't move at all?
What if I become paralyzed?
What if I can no longer be me?
What if I can no longer do the things I love?
All these what if's go through my mind
All the time never ceasing
Never leaving
What if...
What if...
What if...
What if...
It has gotten to where I am not comfortable sitting either
I used to be able to sit and I was just having a hard time getting comfy laying down
The family thinks it's the bed being almost out of air that caused what is happening
I don't think that's the case
I think
It's
Something much more serious
I can't tell why I think this
I just have a feeling in my gut that says it's not the bed
It makes me think of
cancer
Bone damage
Diabetes
Paralyzed
All kinds of bad things that can't be cured right away
So many things can go wrong in the world
So many things can go wrong in our body's
It sucks to be scared
Scared of the future
Scared of the what if's that enter my mind all day long
Never leaving me alone
That creep in and stick to the black spaces of my brain like a cobweb
Once they get stuck in my black spaces they never leave
They stay
They haunt me all day
I just want to not be haunted by what if's
I want to be free and live without fear
Without hesitation
Without thinking
That's my scary pain of the unknown

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