Myself

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To know oneself, is to see yourself through others eyes. Through strangers words. Through societies lies, and still be able to sleep at night with your head held high and heart still beating. To be confident in your own abilities and decisions, hoping to make those who notice you proud. To find inner peace within one self that others hatred and negativity can not affect you. I still don't know myself. I change with the days. I wake up one girl and go to sleep another. I am constantly evolving and morphing into someone else. Taking action with my emotion. Letting hardships turn my glass exterior to stone. Trying to find a way to stand up on my own. I am an ordinary girl attempting to be and feel anything than what I do everyday. The feeling of disappointment and weakness. The mind can be very cruel to its owner, and mine has been very wicked to me. It constantly leaves me in blackness, with no hope or goals to hold on too. It allows me to feel neither fear or anger. Only the sweet disposition of bitter disappointment and lack of self-worth. Who I am is nothing to be proud of. No one worth remembering. I am the cloud on rainy days. I am the gate at hell. I am nothing. Who I want to be is a much more exciting question. I want to succeed. To fall in love. To drink wine every night as a gaze upon the stars. To let my family know their attempts to raise me was not in vain. I want to be anything and anyone but ordinary. To now what it is like to have faith and hope. To believe in the unseen. To aspire and breathe. To breathe not mechanically but to truly know what it is like to live. These are moments I aspire for. Everyday is a chance to become closer to the girl I want to be. To make the dream me a real me. Although up to now life has been a pity party for this average ordinary girl; but every now and then I remember the girl in my dreams and break through the wall I've created for others, which in the has trapped me. The wall meant for protection has become my destruction and not allowed me to move or breathe. To make mistakes. To laugh and see the world through others eyes once more. To be able to try and open my own. This wall has even stopped me for dreaming making my nights a dark ocean that does not waver or storm. That does not move but only swallows me deeper into a darkness. That darkness had become my friend. I had allowed myself to stay stuck. I was happy to live alone and felt I'd be better off dead. The girl I was still haunts me today. I wake up in fear that she may return once more, and this time there will be no escape. That was the old me. Still the new me is lost. The new me is searching. This girl now opens her heart to fear and pain. No longer disappointment. My dream me will become my real me. As the days go by I am learning to take the good with the bad. I am learning to let the earth bend me to its wil and become one with it. To love myself no matter the harm I may do to others or myself. This is the me thats growing. This is the me who now has goals and aspiration. This girl will no longer be plain and ordinary. She will be whatever she wants to be when she wants to.

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