The first thing you should know about me is that

If I do not get at least four solid hours by myself every few days

I will snap

And the second thing you should know about me is

That I hate to be by myself
I wear lacy bras under my T-Shirts
And boxers under my dresses
To remind myself I am ‘they’

When I was four, my older cousins told me

Being gay meant you liked a boy

'So I'm gay?' My little voice asked

And they laughed at me

Twelve years later, well,

I wasn't wrong

I learned English when I was five

With my white babysitter

I would say Mexico not México

Because my classmates looked at me weird

I'm 17 now and attending the 8th high school ranked in the nation

Where college is an expectation not a choice

But my father quit school when he was 16 years old to work

And my mother

My mother was the first in her entire family to graduate college

Both my parents taught me hard work is everything

But I don’t always listen to my parents

Because no one teaches a six year old that there's no shame in being the victim

When there's all the shame in being an offender

No one teaches an eleven year old kids about abusive friendships

And that being a pushover

Doesn't make them like you

No one teaches a fourteen year old’s

That they're gonna get sad

For no reason

For fifty reasons

Either way it's going to happen

And it's gonna be okay

There's no need to try and kill yourself

 

No one teaches their kids about the reality of the world

Just that there is one

And that if you play your cards right

Things will fall at your feet in your favor

But that's not true

Sometimes you have no good cards

To offer the game

And your hand

Is full of minority collectables

That are always marveled at

And then overlooked

 

Six year old me would have been astonished

At how

Introverted and Educated

Pansexual, Gender Fluid, and Independent

I am as an

Anxiety-riddled

Mexican American Woman

With Scars and Depression

Who is trying

To recover

 

But like it or not

These are the cards I’ve had to play with

My hand is full of Jokers in a game of Go Fish

Blackjack and War

I am branded meaningless

Tossed aside for my lack of placed value

Because that’s how things have always been done

But there's nothing wrong with my hand

Just the game

There's nothing wrong with me

Just society

 

But to all the six year old me’s out there

Struggling to accept who they are because

The game told you, you had no place

Keep your cards close to you

Do not trade them for something that you are not

Because let me tell you first hand that

Knowing who I am

And what cards I hold

Is the closest I’ve come to

Accepting myself

And that's enough for me to believe

That we can learn to play a different game