I've been searching for a long
  time
For myself in the darkness 
Searching for the right words to
  chime 
In order to feel that sweet
  caress 
The caress that is self discovery
That will give me back my peace
But all I can feel is the possible
  failure of my recovery
There is a caress present
It's the caress of the tendrils in
  the dark 
Slowly fading,causing a numbness
  that I resent 
Always there, they're presence is 
  always stark 
Here I am striving still 
Trying so hard and still failing 
I try and try until 
Eventually I start wailing
There's no more peace when I 
  sleep 
There's only peace when I weep
I try to escape its cold
But in the end I welcome the
  embrace  
I crave something to hold
Something to brighten not just 
   my face 
But to awaken my heart 
Something that isn't a lie
And won't tear me apart
I find myself wondering if it even
   exists
And if it does am I deserving? 
My sadness at times, it grabs at
  my wrists
Then when happiness comes I'll
   admit it's unnerving
A smile will feel unnatural
That's when it hurts the most 
It makes you feel small
And happiness is like a ghost
That you need to welcome back
You welcome it slow
For fear it will retract  
It makes you glow
But misery attracts itself 
Can't get your hopes up
Because you can always lose your
  wealth 
I hold on though 
To happiness I can get 
There's more hope now 
That I'll make it and won't
  forget
One pill a day to keep the numbness at bay 
I'll admit it's helpful
But will it stay? 
I can say I'm pretty hopeful
My body betrays me by not
  giving me the things I need
I know it's common by the
  friends I've seen do the same
But unlike them I don't have a
  steed 
Carrying a prince who rescues
  dames
I know I don't need one but
..I'm just a girl finding herself in
  this world 
It'd help to have a man with
  strength in his strut
One to carry me when I can't
  hold my head up 
It's not easy to try it alone
Trying to fill up the cup
You've been given without a
  groan  
Or two escaping your lips 
But how do you find someone
  with a heart to share
When all a guy ever cares about
 is the swing of your slender hips
That may seem bitter
But from my experience it's true It'll spread through you like a
  cancer
Make you scream till your lips
  turn blue
This love that you hope for 
Can make every step forward 
  two steps back
But you don't want to close the 
  door, not anymore
And why should you?
Happiness is what the heart 
  craves
So why shouldn't you want it 
  too? 
So I'll strive where I can to 
  defeat my pain and my strife
And I'll try my hardest to gain 
  control
Of this mystery that is life