Febuary 2, 2015

Math. It sucks but so does my life. Nothing to do, no one to know until...he was at the corner of my eye as I turned, one that I never noticed in the room.

As I turned he scanned my face. Who was he? Out of all the eyes I've seen with my own two pair, neither have seen someone so lean and gorgeous. His dull face shined as I looked at him.

Day by day a rush fueled inside me. Night by night my mind running...The thought. The exitement. The feeling. Wondering who he was... 

My heart has always grown slow and empty. No, but today, and the next day then the next day and every other day the sun flew slowly in the sky, he was the ray of beauty. I couldn't comprehend the transformation in my heart. He was such a mystery.

Who is he? Yes, I'd like to know. No, I'd love to know! Must someone tell me? What is wrong with my heart? Am I having a seizer? A heart attack?  Why does it run a race? Why is it so everly desperate? Why does it hunger? Must someone please tell me!

The sun had flew a hundred times in the sky. But one day the sun learned how to create a scene for him and I.

"Did you do last night's home work?"

"Yes."

"Can you send it to me?"

"No."

 

"Why not?"

"Because I don't really know you so I don't trust you."

"Ok then. Let's get to know each other."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Beacuase I don't want to hurt you."

"What in the world are you talking about?"

March 2, 2015

School. No one likes that prison, but at the end of that day, it was  our escape. Ours it was. My heart learned how to fly higher than the sun could ever fly.  

The local bus. No one likes to ride a moving dump, but it was our way home. It was our moment. Nothing mattered but him. My eyes were lusting to see his face. Yet I still want to know who he is. Side by side on the bus we were sitting in the faded carpeted seats.  

Closer, closer. As I was drawn toward the window, glaring at the outside world, he moved closer...there he was once more at the corner of my eye. A shock of panic came to me as turned. My hand againt his cheek to leave him a mark. The first kiss has always feared me since it has never occured in my life. And I blew it...

May 4, 2015

"He's moving", they said but my ears bled as they were stabbed with such words. I couldn't dare to believe it. The rush of worry. Of the fear to once more be empty hearted. There's not much time left.

As the sun would take lift off, every day has been a panic. Why now? Why to me? Why didn't he tell me? Why is he doing this to me? He was my new beginnig! Why does it have to end so soon!

June 2, 2015

"I didn't think the person behind me would be my friend. And now it's come to an end. I'll be stuck in good-old Florida and you're moving to the other side of the world. But just because I'm not going to see you again, doesn't mean I'm going to forget those crazy, funny, bad, and good moments with you. Like when I would steal your backpack or when we rode the bus together after school. This year you were the first guy friend. I don't care if people call you stupid or dumb. Sometimes even I would call you that. It was nice knowing you. Hope you freeze to death in Michigan. HAGS."

Prison will soon set us free. And his absence is soon to come. A letter, I wrote. With all my pain, the letter arrived from my hand to his, then my feet took me fast and far....My heart was falling from the sky... I didn't even get to say goodbye....

June 4, 2015

It's over. My new prison is my own bedroom. My heart crashed into pieces after falling from space. And as the the pieces of my heart crashed to the ground, so did my tears. The memories. The silliness. The exitement. The moments.......Now the hurt. The pain. The dullness. The pieces. The sorrow. The emptiness...He's gone for good... 

July 12,2015

"You knew you were leaving. Is that why you did'nt want me to know you? Is that why you didn't want to hurt me? Don't think I forgot you told me that. Why didn't you tell me you were moving? Why did I have to find out by hearing from others? I know you're going to ignore me. You might not even read this. But I want you to know, if you read the letter I gave you, I meant what I said and you know what I meant. I could've written more but I didn't. And I'm sorry-sorry for being a jerk if I ever was, sorry if I was an embarassment to you, but I'm definatly sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye to you. This may not mean anything to you because I'm never going to see you again, but to me it does. A lot. If this doesn't mean anything to you, I want you to block me. And just in case, this IS goodbye. If it does I want you to answer my question."

"Ask a question."

"Why were you acting weird on the bus, asking me if I had a boyfrind and if I ever kissed someone?"

"Okay bye."

"You see. I knew it."

"I don't like you. Not as a friend or person you knew that? You have one message and then I'm blocking you...Time's up."

"Well you want to be honest with me? Fine now it's my turn. I liked you. Bye"

Who can replace him? Who can smile the way he smiles? Who could make me happy like he did? Who can fill me with exitement like he can? Who else can treat me as if I was theirs? Who can pick up the pieces of my heart? Who can awaken me from this nightmare? Who can save me from my own depression? Who can rescue me from my own prison? Who can bring him back?....Who can look at me with admiration like he did? I've never seen eyes widen from seeing beauty. But  I'm am not of that and never have been, especially now.

Dark circles are drawn under my eyes. They are as dark as the hole of where my heart should be. But my heart is gone just like him..then I realized. All this time he was trying to save me...from the hurt. From the pain. From the dullness. From the shattering pieces. From the sorrow! He didn't want this to happen to me. He said he didn't want me to get hurt!

 

In his eyes I could see he admired me, then he left. He told me he didn't want me to know him and I didn't understand. I was alone then I realized he said so because he cared about me. He didn't want to keep me from hurting when he left. He loved me...