Never mind

Sun, 09/07/2014 - 03:27 -- Beana
I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and take a breath.
 
 
 
"Mom do you know what pan sexuality is?"
 
 
 
i think of the girls I kissed
 
i think of the boys that held me
 
 I think of the lovers I've had who's parts didn't match their souls
 
i think of the ones that stayed and left
 
i think of the girl that stole my virginity
 
I think of the secret dates ive snuck behind her
 
 
 
i think of the things that I've kept from her that I could have told her just as easily, and I wait for her response.
 
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me. "
 
I take a breath
 
this is normal.
 
this is normal. 
 
i am normal
 
i am normal. 
 
"It's when you like men... And women... And everything else."
 
She laughs. 
 
I try not to cry.
I look away instead. 
 
"Everything else? What else is there? And you can't like more than one, you're either gay or you're straight, you can't pick and choose. That's no way to live."
 
"Never mind." 
She goes on with what she's doing.
 
I try to forget this. 
 
I fail.
.....
 
We're in the car, she's driving
I take a breath
 
"Mom when do you think I'm ready for sex?"
 
I think of the parties and boys and girls
I think of the lips and kisses in the dark
I think of wandering hands and wandering eyes
I think of the zippers and hooks 
I think of skin to skin
I think of the teeth marks I hide under my shirt
I think of palms on curves and teeth and tongues and whispers and morning afters and I love you's and one night stands
I think of the hidden condom wrappers in my purse
I think of the hidden partners in my heart
I think of sleepovers that didn't have sleep
 
 
I try not to look guilty.
I look out the window instead.
 
"Why, did you meet someone?"
I think of the girlfriend I've had for a year. 
 
 This is normal.
 
This is normal. 
 
I am normal.
 
I am normal.
 
 
"...no."
"Well then there's no need to discuss it." 
She is matter of fact, this is the end of the discussion and I know it. 
"Never mind"
 
I try to forget this. 
 
I fail. 
....
 
I take a breath to still my heartbeat 
She flips a page to her romance novel. 
 
 
 
"Mom do you know what polygamy is?"
 
 
 
I think of the girlfriends I've loved in secrecy
 
I think of the way they push back my hair
 
I think of the way they kiss me
 
I think of the movies we've watched 
 
I think of their embrace
 
I think of the sound of their voices
 
I think of how they keep me strong
 
I think of how they love me
 
I think of how I love them. 
 
 
 
"What the hell is that?"
 
 
I take a breath 
 
 This is normal.
 
This is normal. 
 
I am normal.
 
I am normal.
 
"It's when you have more than one partner."
"So cheating."
 
I persist this time. 
She needs to know this time. 
 
"It's when you're in a relationship with two people together at the same time an-
"Cheating is cheating."
"It's when youre dating two people at the same time together at the same time and you date them together and you love them together and you-"
"Oh! Like sister wives right?"
I nod reluctantly and before I can continue she looks back to her book and keeps reading. 
"I don't really care what people do in their bedroom. I just hope that doesn't become the latest phase like everyone being bisexual."
 
I can do this, this time I can do this.
 
I take a breath
 
I wipe my palms
 
I steady my heart.
 
She cuts me off.
 
"I seriously can't see how those people do it though. They can't really think they're normal can they?"
 
I think of secrets
I think of the way I hide myself
I think of the teachers I've told
I think of the friends I've told
I think of the siblings that know
I think of how easy it was to tell them
I think of the secrets that shouldn't be secrets at all.
 
My voice fails me.
 
I'm going to cry.
 
I don't want to. 
 
"Never mind."
 
I promise myself as I leave the room that I'll try again tomorrow.
 
I fail.
 

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